The Girl Without A Face

Sometimes, on days like today, I get the urge to write. I’ve had bouts of consistent writing days, months where I journaled, or blogged, or wrote poetry daily. Lately I just wait for the urge to strike. It’s been over two months since I started seriously challenging myself to make changes. It’s easy to convince yourself you are doing everything you can to get where you want to be, but now that I’m starting this next phase of my journey I realize I wasn’t really doing as much as I actually could be.

After I found out that my ex had passed away in early July, it felt like I woke up from a kind of slumber I had been living in since the beginning of healing my past. I had a realization that I was the one who needed to make things happen. At this point, with how much time had passed, no one was going to come to me. I instantly started reaching out to old friends. I created a profile on a dating website. It had been almost 3 years since I had gone on a date. Months since I had spoken to anyone other than my sister, my son, and work colleagues. That didn’t matter, I was determined suddenly, like his death had given me the energy I needed to incorporate the steps in the next phase of my healing journey.

The trouble is, it has not gone perfectly. I would so badly like to say that I now feel closer than ever to old friends, that I started dating someone lovely. That just isn’t the case. The first guy I connected with and talked to on the phone for weeks stopped talking to me as soon as he met me. I know I have weight to lose, weight that I had gained during the almost 3 years after my breakdown. In a lot of ways, especially being completely sober for just as long, food became a friend to me. Instead of the rejection pulling me back into a depression it motivated me to challenge myself.

Since then I’ve been active every single day. At first, I wanted to challenge myself to 45 minutes a day. That has turned into sometimes walking for 2.5 hours to hit the 20k step goal a day I’ve now set for myself. In my mind it’s still not enough, I’m not seeing the results I want. I’m a little more comfortable in my body but I still couldn’t wear my pre-covid clothes. I changed my food habits, I’m focused on protein intake. Do I still mess up? Of course. But I try not to be too hard on myself about it.

I reconnected with friends, a few of them, and we’ve talked consistently. Part of me wonders if I’ll one day realize that again it’s been months since I’ve talked to anyone. I’m not as quick to say yes to things anymore. I’ve changed, and I think that’s ok. I have realized that friendships can’t replace what I wish was my family. Maybe this whole time I’ve had unrealistic expectations of the people I called friend. Maybe the role they play in my life now is ok. Maybe it’s ok because I’ve learned how to be comfortable in my own company. Its sad, it’s freeing. To know we’re alone and every once in awhile we have some company.

Just recently I reached out to my old friend who has struggled with addiction for the 20 years I’ve known her. She seemed cold, surface. She wasn’t telling me what was really going on with her. She stopped responding to my texts when I asked questions about her life. I knew before I reached out that our friendship wouldn’t reignite. It’s not because I don’t have love for her, or memories that make me smile. It’s because through my healing process I realized our friendship was one sided. Her needing help, me coming to the rescue. Maybe some blocks of time in between where we hung out and she didn’t need something from me. I’ve known the relationship wasn’t reciprocal, I guess I reached out to confirm what I already knew. Our friendship was over. There was nothing left for me to say. Nothing I could do.

I started talking to someone else a few weeks ago, of course he wants to meet. I’m great on the phone, I can say that about myself. I’ve become comfortable building relationships from home, without having to see someone in person. It’s become what I prefer, I never used to be like this. He wants to meet tomorrow and I know I’m not yet where I want to be yet. Sure, I’ve implemented these changes, but I’m still a work in progress physically.

Even though the meeting is loosely planned for tomorrow, it is still undecided for me if it will happen. I’m not sure if I want to work through another rejection. Maybe if I was where I wanted to be I wouldn’t care if he rejected me. Maybe you would say it doesnt matter, you don’t want to be with someone like that anyway. I know. I understand that’s true. But if I’m still insecure about this aspect of myself, am I really ready to put myself out there?

The thing is, I am proud of myself. Whatever the outcome is tomorrow, whether or not I again lose contact with all my friends. I’ve proven to myself that I can come back from the depths of despair. That I can lose absolutely everything, my mind included, and I’m strong enough to come back even better. Maybe that realization is enough for now. Maybe in another few months I can look back and see how far Ive come from here.