The Girl Without A Face

It’s been a whirl wind the past two weeks. It feels like I’ve been taken out of a long slumber and now with shaky legs am re-entering the world. I’m unsure of myself, unsure if I’m good enough. Sometimes I think back to a year ago, six months ago, just in a flash of a memory. I realize there is no way that version of me could do what I’m now doing. It’s made me believe in timing and inner guidance. The past three years slowed me down, broke me, then quietly rebuilt my entire character. I’m not the same as I was, but I’m also not terribly different. I removed something that no one could see. The weight that I carried was invisible to everyone but me.

I’ve hung out with old friends a few times this past week. Yesterday, went to dinner and a movie with a friend, she even tagged me in the event on Facebook. Something that I haven’t logged into in years is now something that is being used for my reintegration. I won’t consistently look at it, but if my “friends” see that I’ve reappeared they’ll know I’m still here. A year ago I wouldn’t have been ok with that. I wasn’t ready to put myself out there again.

I started talking to someone a couple weeks ago from a dating app. Of course, he lives in my town, I know his cousin. The best part is, he isn’t interested in making me uncomfortable. We’ve had several 3-hour long phone calls. We even have an inside joke now. Last night, after I got home from the movies, he asked if I wanted to talk around 9:30pm. Of course I did. Towards the end of the conversation we started talking about meeting in person. It seems like it’s going to happen this week, he said we could even video chat again beforehand if it would make me more comfortable. I said sure, I’m playing it cool. I think he thinks there won’t be any problem. In my mind he’ll take one look at me and be done.

I talked about that in therapy this week as well, my feelings of worthiness are tied to the scale. I’ve been desperately cutting calories over the past two weeks, working out harder than I was before I had this impending meet. I started googling Muanjaro and Ozempic, weight loss injections. Unfortunately, they’ve recently had a law suit so I decided to stay away from that. I bought a weight loss drink mix, started metabolism boosting vitamins, restricted my eating to only when im starving. Even still, the weight isn’t coming off fast enough. I’m still not where I want to be. Half of me knows I should be with someone that accepts me for me, the other half looks in the mirror and thinks I’m disgusting. This issue roots back to childhood. The war with food and weight seems to be ongoing.

Although I logically know these behaviors are unhealthy, I tell myself that this extreme change is only temporary. This is in preparation for meeting someone I really like. It’s important that when he meets me I’ve at least put in this effort. In my mind he could like everything about me, but when he sees me in person my body will be a dealbreaker. My therapist tells me I’m projecting my view onto him, but if I’m not happy in my body how can I expect him to like it? Maybe me controlling my food and desperately trying to slim down is somewhere for me to focus my energy away from the real problem. My fear of rejection.

I look at this behavior in a few different ways. On one hand, I think its unhealthy for me to feel this way. To associate my worth with my weight. On the other hand, I view this kickstart as a way to feel more confident. I’ve been working out for over a year consistently and I still feel like I barely have seen results. Maybe it was time for me to be shaken awake so I can implement change. I’m riding the line between healthier habits and disordered eating.

The truth is I’m terrified to meet him. I’m terrified that he won’t like me, but even more terrified that he will. I’m afraid of falling for someone. I’m afraid to let him in. If I’ve learned nothing else over the past few years its that I have to face this thing head on. He could take one look at me and recoil in disgust, he could meet me and want to continue to progress. I know I have to take the chance, I know that either way I’ll be ok. Isn’t it better to take the risk than to live with regret anyway?

I don’t know how to untangle my worth from my weight. Maybe I was hoping if I acknowledged it in writing it would give me more insight. Maybe I’ll start with telling myself I am enough right now, here, in this moment. I’m happy I’m motivated to make these changes, but I don’t have to make myself suffer either.