The Girl Without A Face

In the spirit of having a nostalgic weekend, yesterday I was in the kitchen baking, and I see a call come through. It was from my son’s father, who let’s be honest rarely calls these days. He didn’t text after, didn’t leave a message. So while I was putting my banana bread in the oven I went to the worst case in my head. I had to call him back, and when he answered he said, “Oh, I didn’t know if my phone was working or not so I just tried to call to see if it would go through, I’m happy it did. Anyways, how have you been? How’s everything going?”

When he asks this question it encompasses everything. How is our sons art and dance. I told him about the fact that we went to the college days at a local college. I told him some of the conversations we’ve had since then. I told him about dropping pre-calculus. Things like this used to bother me, but now I welcome the conversation. As I’m speaking, I realize how few people ask. I can tell he’s been drinking, not because he’s belligerent but because I know him well enough to know the slight change in the tone of his voice. Apparently he has rental properties now, and he’s working on one of those while we talk. He’s been married for a long time, his wife doesn’t like when he calls. At this point, I’m so far removed from the entire situation it feels like someone else’s life and he’s a distant relative calling to catch up. Interested in what my son has done since he’s last called.

He mentioned a few times how his brother is having a hard time with the fact that his dad doesn’t come around. He mentioned how his mom doesn’t really express to him she loves him. I asked questions, an interested party wanting to get to the bottom of the abandonment of his own family. At one point he expresses that he himself feels like he’s failing. I reassure him that at some point our son will need him more, the point is to be there when he calls. And to call him too. To find something you can relate on and then do that as frequently as you can. He had a very hard time that our son wasn’t into sports. He tells me he sometimes thinks of what could’ve been, if we had been a family. We were young, I was 19 he was 24, when our son entered this world. I told him I think its part of my own purpose to do this on my own. Interestingly enough, I felt nothing as I talked.

He rushed me off the phone at one point and I was happy with the break in conversation, at that point it had been long enough that we had been talking. Kind of like old friends catching up, except we have a 16 year old son. I laid down to start reading my book, but again he called. So I answered because our goodbye was rushed. I figured we could just end the conversation and that would be that. I could hear him drinking on the other end, his ice cubes clattering in the glass. I suppose I could hear his voice continue to change. Maybe I continued the conversation looking for insight into something, maybe I just appreciate the fact that he said he’d always be there for me. For me, it doesn’t have an alterior motive. I’m not thinking inappropriately. For him on the other hand, it always turns out that way.

He started making references, innuendos I suppose you would say. I just said, with no emotion, I’m not interested in that. I let him know I was going to let him go, and we ended the conversation. When he used to do this it would make me upset, now I feel nothing. I went on about my night, put my phone down. Made dinner, started watching a show. I looked down and saw he was calling again. I rolled my eyes a little this time and let it go to voice-mail. A little while passed and I looked at my phone, 4 unread messages, 3 missed calls. So odd. I still felt nothing as I went upstairs, I was getting ready for bed, checked my phone one last time. More missed calls, more messages. I thought I’d ended the call nicely? I wish he respected me enough to hear me when I said goodbye.

There are a few things today I’m noticing, the first and most important is I’m not as upset as I normally would be. Normally, I would be upset because my son isn’t getting the same bombardment of calls and texts. But today I just feel at ease in the fact that he doesn’t have to deal with the annoyance of it. I used to get upset that he would do this and he was married, but that’s not my problem to be upset about. That was an old wound from when he used to do a similar thing to me when we were still together. If anything, I feel at peace knowing that I listened to my gut when it said “leave” and I’m happy. I can tell I’m healing just based on the fact that certain things that used to bother me no longer effect me whatsoever.

In reality, I want him to find peace. I want him to be happy. I want him to not live in the past, or feel regret. But I can’t do that for him. All I can do is set boundaries when he crosses lines and be kind when we have a conversation. I can finally say I’ve moved on from the pain between us. In a way, that is a break in the cycle itself. My parents to this day have so much hate for eachother. I’m proud to say I’m no longer mad at him. I forgive him. And I know I can’t make him someone he’s not. And I’m ok with that now.