I’ve had this nagging feeling for the last few days and I’ve tried thinking my way to the bottom of it. Nothing in my reality shows me that what I’m thinking is going to happen will happen. As soon as I open this app to write I think I have an epiphany. Two years ago at this time I was patiently waiting to get fired from my company.
I realize I’ve never wrote about what happened, but first let me start with how I’m currently feeling. Last night I closed my eyes with a sense of impending doom, racking my brain trying to figure out why I think my job is on the line even though I’m well over quota, on track for sales conference, my boss tells me she appreciates me, her boss told me to let him know if I’m ever thinking about leaving. This is the company I “grew up” in. The one I left in July of 2022 after my employee passed away and I was so burnt out that I needed a change. After what I experienced outside of this company it would take a lot for me to leave again. Perhaps me getting fired would be the only reason.
This is the thing. My thoughts are not solely a result of my experiences with the other company two years ago. I’m not going to lie, I’m in sales, and there are times we walk the lines of morality. This is extremely hard for me to decipher. Whether what I’m doing is ok or could get me fired. Without giving too much unnecessary detail I’ll try to give a few examples. I have partners who send me information, I use that information to create my proposals, I send that information to my clients and require them to state in writing that everything is correct before I will move forward. Even still with these rules I feel like they are skirting around some questions, maybe they don’t disclose they are doing things that could get their proposal rejected. Is it in my control to police that? No. And if I did I probably shouldn’t be in sales. My job is to make sure that I have enough that if anything ever did come back to me I could provide proof to cover myself. There are times where I’m wrong, there are times where there are issues after the fact. This week in particular there have been several scenarios that have come back. It’s put me on edge it’s made me second guess if I’m doing enough to make sure I’d be ok if something blew up. That’s sales to me. Riding the line between hitting quota and morality.
It may not make sense to someone who’s never had a sales role. There are stories of people doing extremely shady things and of course that eventually catches up with them and gets them fired. I don’t necessarily believe I’m in that category. Could I do a better job at collecting what I need? I’m sure I could. Does it make me feel good when something comes back stating that I didn’t disclose something the business did? Of course not.
So yesterday I was feeling off all day. Really, this whole week. I’ve had several things cancel. I’ve had clients and partners do shady things. I’ve had escalations and issues from past sales where I’ve already been paid. For some reason it feels icky, it feels like my success is a scam. Should I really be getting paid like I am? Maybe it’s imposter syndrome, maybe it’s a bad week. Maybe it’s my body remembering that two years ago I was anticipating being fired for the first time in my life.
The thing was there was nothing I could do to change that outcome. They didn’t give me enough opportunity, my partners weren’t sending me leads. I had no way to generate business. I felt like I was set up for failure with the quotas they gave me. I tried everything. I went to HR, I asked for reporting on someone successfully hitting quota in my territory. I had everything in writing. I did everything I could. Ultimately even though it felt deeply personal, I don’t think it was. Two of us were fired, my boss was fired not 6 months later. A year later the entire company was bought out by guess who? The company I left them for and went back to after. I’ve realized through processing my feelings on what happened that it wasn’t personal to me. I know that they had to let go of someone because they weren’t performing. It doesn’t make it any less traumatizing.
I was lucky enough to be welcomed back with open arms by my prior boss. I didn’t even have to go through an interviewing process. And a year into me being back, she was fired out of the blue after over 20 years of service.
I used to feel secure in my job. Usually I still do just based on how I know they feel about me in my current position. But every so often I get the reminder that one bad decision could get me fired. There really is no security in corporate. There could be cuts or layoffs at a moments notice. I used to think being in sales protected me, and for the most part I still do feel that way. I think this week has been a reminder to not let myself slip into complacency.
I’ve vowed to myself to double check certain things from now on. I texted my partners that I need some additional information to move forward with these businesses. I’ve explained what I’m doing to my boss, I’ve made sure to get things in writing. I’m doing my best to cover myself in the event something blows up. There is a likelihood that something will eventually. Maybe I just have a hard time accepting that things could just go well. I have to prepare for every last worst case scenario I can think of.
This week has been filled with thoughts of what if I got fired? What if I lost my license? The scary thing is this could happen. The truth of the matter is I would figure it out if I had to. Do I feel better after writing out my thoughts? I guess kind of. Maybe next week I’ll have a lot of successes and how I feel now will be left in the past. The truth is in sales the way you feel is filled with ups and downs. You could be having the best day, week, month and you know in that moment it’s fleeting. The next day, week, month could be extremely tough. That’s what I love about it. That’s what I hate about it. It’s perfect to me because the chaos is comforting. I don’t want to lose it. I just want stability in my life. That’s me, a contradiction. Stability in sales is an oxymoron.
The Girl Without A Face 