My son is out for the night and my boyfriend is at his house so I have one of those rare nights where I’m completely alone and have the night to myself. I’ve learned to love nights like this, sometimes I prefer them if I’m being honest. I always want to be around my very few favorite people but I feel peaceful when I’m alone. I feel like I can fully relax. I’m not overstimulated or making sure I am showing up in the way I am needed. No one expects anything from me. I can manage effortlessly in solitude.
I don’t say that to mean that I’m not grateful for the loved ones I do have, I’m very grateful and I want to spend as much time, especially with my son, while I can. I’ve just realized that I can live dangerously isolated and feel content, where other people I talk to have to leave their house or do things even if there is no one with them. I went outside to shovel today, I walked on my indoor walking pad. That was my extent of movement and I’m perfectly fine with it. I don’t miss working in an office. In fact I love working from home. Sometimes it just feels strange to work alone.
Maybe it’s the winter blues making me feel nostalgic for a different time. A time when I was younger and filled with energy. A time when two recruiters LinkedIn DM’s would at least spark curiosity. Now I have no desire to leave my position, I barely want to leave my house. I used to push my friends to go out. Where is that person now?
I know I’m not alone in this, my algorithms show me people that feel the same. Ironically, they are all a similar age. It’s one of those things that just happens. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m almost 40 with an almost 20 year old. I’m tired in my bones but I’m not frustrated with it. I’m embracing the fact that I’m changing, letting myself relax in a judgement free zone.
I went to the gym last night and took two classes. I sometimes like to ponder thoughts while I’m working out to allow the time to pass, and I started thinking about how I used to teach these types of classes. I thought about how I was younger and fitter and had more energy. I thought about how that was somehow 10 years ago and yesterday.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is I’m starting to realize I’ll never get back to that younger version of me. Maybe in the future I’ll have that type of energy? I don’t think so though, plus I’m different now. My friends want to walk at 7am and play pickle ball not go to the club and dance. Then again that’s what I want too – or is it? I guess. I don’t really drink anymore nor do I have friends that want to go out like that.
It’s just funny to think of how time passes. Slowly and then all at once. I didn’t realize when I was the younger me that I would in the future be someone else.
The Girl Without A Face 