I did not want to work out today. I’m only on day 3 of my 75 day challenge with myself and a part of me already wanted to give up. I’ve been pretty consistently working out 4-5 times a week for just over a year, but clearly just that is not getting me where I want to be. I decided to kick start the changes to my eating habits, work out for at least 45 minutes per day, along with additional items that I need to check off every day.
I am winding down my work week, it hasn’t been a very successful sales week (or month so far). My boss has been irritating me, I’ve had several other things triggering me that made me just want to lie down and do nothing. I finally had a few minutes to relax and the thought popped in my head, “You have a bike in the basement. Set your timer for 45 minutes. You can even be on your phone while you’re pedaling.” So that’s what I did. I wanted to give up a few times when I was down there. I looked at myself in the mirror and was a bit taken aback by what I saw. At some angles, in some moments, I think I look like my old self. Then there are other times, like this one, when I realize how much I’ve gained over the past few years. A full mental breakdown, different medications, complete hermit mode for almost three years is apparently not conducive for weight loss.
Nevertheless, I continued pedaling through all the moments I wanted to end the workout. I checked the timer with 32 minutes left, 23, 18, 9, finally the last 5 minutes. I counted down each of the last 120 seconds. Even though it was painful to get done today, I did it. The good news is that I can switch up my activity so it doesn’t always feel this painful. I go to the gym, I can do yoga, I used to dance all the time. Maybe I’ll start to incorporate that as well. As long as I’m active for 45 minutes it completes the challenge. This is just shining a light on where I’ve been slacking.
I also included reading 10 pages of a non-fiction book per day. Last night I really just wanted to read my fiction mystery. Before I let myself finish that book, I read a chapter (more than 10 pages) of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I’ve been trying to finish that one for awhile. I have several non-fiction books that I keep putting off. Its more fun to read a fast paced thriller than read something relatable to your trauma.
Then there is the writing. Something I long to get better at, something that I always want to do in my head. Every day I think about the book I want to write, or this blog that I still have that sometimes goes weeks without a post. Writing is something I say I love yet I avoid getting it done. So yesterday I journaled, today I’m writing this. Maybe tomorrow I’ll write a chapter in the novel I’d like to someday finish. Without this challenge to myself I’d still be thinking about how I should write tomorrow before I went to bed tonight.
These 75 days will be difficult I’m sure. Maybe I’ll complete everything every day, maybe I’ll have to start over. All I know is I set attainable goals and it’s showing me how I’m resisting the things that I really want to accomplish in my weaker moments. It’s much easier to continue to do the things that are easy and comfortable. The trouble is one easy day turns into 10, turns into 365, and then another year has passed and I’m exactly the same. I have to challenge myself and keep my promises to get to a better version of me.
The Girl Without A Face 