The Girl Without A Face

As you would expect, my recent rejection had an impact. Mainly on my ego, I experienced another low, but oddly enough I’m grateful it worked out the way it did.

For the past few weeks, especially when me and the guy started talking, I instantly changed my eating habits and became more cognizant of how hard I was pushing myself at the gym. Prior to me starting to think about dating, I told myself that I was doing everything I could to lose weight. I had a narrative in my head that my slowed down metabolism must be due to my age. All of a sudden the prospect of meeting a potential partner suddenly changed that narrative. Unfortunately (or fortunately) for me two weeks isn’t enough to see a big difference.

I can tell myself all I want that I was ready and prepared to walk back into the dating world with my boundaries and newfound perspective of “de-centering men.” Now upon reflection, I chose someone to connect with that had several red flags. One of them being that he was clearly emotionally unavailable. I took note of these traits, but I still pushed forward expecting to get some validation. I became easily entrenched in this new normal I was creating. I slipped back into my old ways of people pleasing. He would suggest a phone call each night and I would say yes even if I didn’t want to in an effort to please him.

He said things that I didn’t necessarily agree with. We have different parenting styles with our kids. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew we wouldn’t be a good fit. If I’m being honest, in the moment none of that mattered. I just wanted to live in a world where someone picked me and I could create the storyline in my head from there. These are my old ways though, romanticizing someone that in reality I’m not even sure if I like very much. The only difference this time is he rejected me upon our first meeting. In the past, I would’ve continued dating a guy like him just to have him let me down months from now when I’m even more invested.

So, instead of wallowing in my self-pity (which I did for a few days), I decided to take a different approach. I decided to implement some change. I created my own version of the “75 hard” challenge. Exercise for 45 minutes every day, intermittent fasting, no takeout, read 10 pages of a non-fiction book, and – you guessed it – write every day. Would I have implemented these changes if it weren’t for the rejection I just experienced? Probably not even though I desperately wanted to change something. I didn’t know how until I was forced to look at myself through a harsh lens. It’s so much easier to tell myself I’m doing everything I can.

So now, almost a week later, I’ve adopted a whole new mindset. I was able to get clearer on my goals. I’m not beating myself up for not reaching them by now. I’m excited for the kickstart to get to my healthier self. The me years ago would’ve reacted completely differently to this situation. I would’ve acted out, had to drink, maybe stopped eating all together for a few days. The me now doesn’t use self-harm to cope with something outside of my control. I’m using this experience to better myself. Maybe that’s my definition of self-love.