I’m back in my routine today, it was busy of course. I was a bit stressed this morning thinking of all the things I needed to do. I’ve set up my life in the past year or so to not feel so overwhelmed, I moved out of management, I took a less stressful position at work. I work from home so in reality my life in general over the course of the past 3+ years now has just been wildly easier than the years prior to that. I tell myself all this, but I’m still working on living life with this new relaxed mindset.
I started feeling a bit overwhelmed this morning as we were headed out the door. I drive my son to school each morning and he takes the bus home. I know that one day soon I’ll miss this aspect of my life, but on days like today I wouldn’t mind having someone turn to me and say, “I got this today. Stay home and catch up.” This job as a parent but also just being a fully fledged adult with a house and a dog to take care of can be exhausting with no help. I don’t have anyone to turn to that can see me and say, “you got this” or “you should be proud of yourself.” It gets exhausting having to be your own cheerleader on top of everything else. It’s only in these brief moments that I feel like this now. It’s so rare that I feel overwhelmed anymore. I’ve set my life up this way. I went from living in fight or flight, to nervous breakdown, to living life at a much slower pace. I don’t understand how I fit in everything I did before. Multiple plans with friends, dating, motherhood alone. Driving to and from work every day, working two jobs at that, sometimes in the car for more than an hour because of traffic during rush hour barely able to process the day. Having to log in at night to respond to emails and not even getting paid for it because I was a salary employee. Having to listen to my mother’s conspiracy theories daily. Add on and on and on to that the list of things that came before my ability to relax or read a book or contemplate what I loved. No wonder I had a mental breakdown not that long ago.
I’ve noticed I’m much kinder to myself now. I had a busy day at work so I’m not going to worry about unpacking everything tonight. I got what I needed to done for today, and tomorrow I’ll get done what I can. I got right back into my routine at the gym this morning. I’m doing the things that help me relax. There have been moments where I’ve felt the pressure, the need to rush, the overwhelming feeling of all that needed to be done. But that moment passed, just like my anxiety from the other day. I’ve made so much progress in the right direction. I see where I’m growing.
I’ve started to realize I hold myself to a high standard. I feel like a failure if I take even one step backwards. But that really isn’t helpful if I’m looking at the big picture. There are so many other things I can focus on other than my few glaring flaws. I suppose I am human after all.
The Girl Without A Face 