My son and I have been on a little trip since Wednesday, today is our last day here before we drive home. I feel like this trip has marked major growth for me. Only one person in my life even knows were here which is my sister, just through a simple voice memo message. I planned everything on my own, we went to visit a college that we spoke to during a “college day” event that was held locally. I planned a day in Salem, I’ve driven into the city of Boston for the past two days and will be driving there again tonight so we can see the show my son has been anticipating. We are VIP’s so he gets to meet his favorite cast members before we take our seats.
During this trip I’ve noticed when things get stressful in my head I’m able to soothe myself in a way I’ve never been able to before. Now, that is not to say that there hasn’t been worst case scenario thoughts that have crossed my mind as we walk through some less than perfect parts of town to go thrift shopping. Or yesterday, when I had a plan prior to leaving the hotel for parking, only to get there and find they were charging $50 to park the car. All we wanted to do was sit in the park and eat our lunch nearby. I’ll admit I did lose my cool for a few minutes as we drove through the city streets trying to find an alternative, which of course we did. Actually, I should give my son credit for that. He found a small parking lot for a grocery store where you were allowed to leave your car for two hours for free. So we did.
What I keep trying to tell myself as the stressful moments come is that it will all work out, nothing bad will happen, we have time, there is nowhere we have to be right now. It feels as though I’m unlearning a lifetime of feeling rushed and stressed and stuck in fight or flight. After I lost my cool, I of course did apologize, and of course my son understood. He always does. I mean it was stressful we were driving near Fenway Stadium when a game was about to start. I didn’t even know baseball was going on right now. Either way, I’ve been doing so well this entire time with staying calm and going with the flow that having this reaction felt like I failed at my own test, like I went backwards to how I used to be. Like maybe I haven’t yet healed enough.
It kind of got me thinking about my own childhood experiences with trips. My dad would of course be the one driving, now I know from experience he would be having panic attacks. He would yell the whole way wherever we were going. Our first order of business would be to get him a drink to calm his nerves once we got where we were going. I remember once going to some historical site in Virginia that none of us really cared about but him, it almost felt like we were there to support his interests. Since I was still little, I just kept quiet and smiled and nodded. My sister was older and brooded over the fact that we had to learn about the Civil War on vacation (in 90 degree heat from what I remember).
There is a point here. I know as you’re reading you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Where did that come from?” It’s all connected. My dad’s reactions have now become my cross to bear, I like to think its my duty to resolve the panic because he was never able to. I feel as though it was passed along to me and I have to unravel its roots. I have to understand where it comes from and why. I have to learn how to soothe myself.
So the whole 6.5 hour drive to the hotel I was calm, I felt zero anxiety the entire way, which was a feat in itself. We made it to the college tour with plenty of time to spare, after checking into the hotel as well. I found everything with no problem at all. I booked a walking tour, and we found everything perfectly. I even drove into the city of Boston for the first time calmly. I found a parking garage as if I had been there before, it seemed everything was going smoothly. I was proud of myself. Yesterday is where I feel I unraveled a bit. I had a plan that was thwarted, the anxiety came back just for a few moments. The problem is I know when I react like that my son is impacted. So I overly apologize for the next few hours. Even though I can apologize though, I can’t take it back. I never want him to feel the way I did when my father was screaming. Although, I suppose my father never apologized for it. So maybe it’s a bit different. And I hope I don’t sound like him, but when I do a comparison I do see similarities and it scares me. Am I really like him if I apologize for the outbursts I’m working on controlling and he never did?
We went on with our day, and had a nice day at that. We got back to the hotel, played chess. We’re having a slow start to the morning today. We’ll be driving back into the city this afternoon for the show. This trip has been so much fun, I should be so proud of myself for planning and executing it all alone. I guess it’s human nature to focus on our flaws.
The Girl Without A Face 