I’ve had one of those weeks where it feels like everything is going wrong. To a point where it’s comical. Am I being punked? Thank god for my anti-depressant medication. I can’t say that it was all bad, but it does feel like im being tested. My work monitor crashed, I’m insanely busy (the last week of a sales month), I got paid only 1/3 of my commission from last month due to a clerical error. I accidently burned the crap out of my mouth. I started getting a sore throat. I forgot to cancel a subscription and was charged for something I don’t want. Etc, etc, etc. When I write it all down here it seems trivial. In the moment it feels like my world is caving in. Maybe this means next week is going to be wonderful? I can only hope it goes up from here.
The thing is it wasn’t all bad. It never is. There is always something good that happens. There is always something that makes you laugh. No matter how frustrated or tired or upset the week has made you. I achieved something on my Etsy store that I’ve been working towards since I started it almost three years ago. Of course, my son always brightens my day and makes me laugh. I had that amazing interaction at “the bins” last Sunday. Those little things are really the things that matter. The things that frustrate me can all be worked out in the end. They will fix the payroll error, my burned mouth will heal. My sore throat will go away. So what if I lost a little bit of money on something? I’ll make it back in no time anyway. I feel like it’s so important to have a glass half full mindset. It’s so important to have the belief that something great is about to happen. Especially when it feels like every single bad thing that can happen is happening.
I also think it’s ok to just acknowledge a bad day. It’s ok to have them, it’s ok to feel like you just want to go to sleep and start over again tomorrow. For some reason, that concept feels difficult for me. It makes me feel like im failing somehow. Like if I don’t look at all the positives always then somehow I’m letting my circumstances win. Maybe part of giving myself grace is to acknowledge when I’m feeling drained. Maybe it’s ok to say I’m having a bad day or a bad week. I can still remain hopeful for the future but realistically acknowledge that in the moment I’m not loving how I’m feeling. I’m starting to realize that not allowing myself to feel anything but positive is likely a response to my childhood. It was a survival skill to always look on the bright side. I would be punished for wanting to be consoled for negative feelings.
It’s important to know and realize that these things won’t last forever. I’ve learned through the past few years of healing that the best way for me to get through something difficult is to write out my feelings. To me, that is the only way I can be heard. Even to myself. It gives me something tangible to reflect on, it allows me to put my grievances on paper and leave them there. It helps me to realize that while it may feel a certain way in the moment, in the grand scheme of things it’s nothing to get upset over. Writing has become the comforting mother I never had. It doesn’t argue with my feelings. It’s the only thing I’ve ever had that allows me to just say how I’m feeling and not tell me that I’m wrong for feeling that way. It doesn’t talk back. It’s the only way I’ve learned to freely express myself. I don’t trust that I’ll be able to get it all out with another person. Just me alone with my words has become the only way I can get through things. I wonder if that will ever change? For now, I’m happy I’m at least able to express how I feel comfortably instead of letting it all live inside me. Suppressed and afraid of taking up any space. For the first time in my life I’m allowing myself to have bad days. I’m not judging myself for how I’m feeling, I’m just asking myself what I can do to make myself feel better. I’m letting myself be human. I’m giving myself grace.
The Girl Without A Face 