The whole month of January I dedicated to building a side business that I really enjoy. That has been my dream for quite a while now. To have my own business, be able to work for myself. To do something that I love. But most of all, to be in full control of what I earn, how well I do, etc. I would then know that the effort I put in would pay off. It would all come back to only me if I’m working for myself. Throughout January I added quite a few new things to my routine, I learned a lot about sourcing new items for my business, I kept making and selling jewelry. I also changed up my gym routine but consistently went 4-5 days a week alone, I only had me to motivate myself. I started taking medication which has tremendously helped my depression and anxiety. I worked with my son to get him the help he needs as well. Especially after his father moved right before Christmas. He left without so much as saying goodbye.
The thing that I’ve realized in my healing process over the last 2+ years is that you have to care the most about you. No one else is going to care about how you feel deep inside. No one else is obligated to dry your tears at night. No one else is required to motivate you to reach your dreams or figure out what makes you happy. Its all a solo ride. This is something that confused me my whole life. Instead of putting on my oxygen mask I was making sure everyone else around me was breathing alright.
The thing is, I used to tell myself that this made me a good person. In reality it just made me bitter and resentful deep inside. Why did I offer a listening ear for everyone else and no one asked about my life? Why did I always adjust my schedule to fit everyone else? Why would I drop what I was doing if someone reappeared? The harsh truth: Codependency at its finest.
So this week, on Monday, the one friend I grew up with ended up reaching out to me with a text. We started going back to the gym together last summer, and without going into too much detail they went through a lot of life changes throughout the past few months. The whole month of January they went ghost. The first message I got, “ugh I’m never dating again. Wait until you hear what happened. I’m ready to get back into the gym. Tonight then?” Instead of being excited to hear from my friend, one I haven’t seen in over a month, (and trust me I don’t have many knocking on my doors after my mental breakdown) I was irritated. I realized after going to the gym alone for this entire month that I wasn’t waiting around and constantly adjusting my schedule for them just to be bailed on last minute anyways. I realized there were certain words they said that offended me (my son is gay and she constantly uses the “F” word slang. She then instantly says, “Oh you know I don’t mean it in a bad way”). I made a mental note of how much more peaceful I felt not having to constantly listen to every morsel of her life without being asked about mine. If I were to talk about what was going on with me I would instantly feel like she stopped listening.
You may be asking yourself, “Well why were you friends with someone like this in the first place?” She was the only person that stayed by my side from before, during, and after my mental breakdown and I will never forget that. She also has some great qualities too. The thing is, in reality, it was me I was having the issue with. I can’t change her. It’s not that I don’t consider her a friend any longer either, it’s just that I had to listen to the feeling I felt when I received the message on Monday. “I’ve been going on my lunch breaks, so maybe on Thursday?” But then Thursday rolled around and that didn’t work for me either. She called, texted, tried to confirm I was still on. I waited and texted back, “Sorry, I have to work late tonight!” Which was true. What I left out was that I did work out on my lunch break.
The thing I’ve realized about this friend is that they are self serving. This isn’t a knock on them. This is just who they are, and I have to accept them for it. So she wants to get back into working out, naturally she’s going to reach out to me to adjust my schedule to her. The problem is I’m putting me first now. It was a few step process, one I’m still going over in my head. When we went together we would run on the treadmill, but since I’ve gone alone I’ve been going on the elliptical. My instant mental response was to adjust to her wants again. My thought process was, “Ok so now every time she goes with me I’ll run, but then when I’m alone I’ll go on the elliptical.” Days later I had an epiphany moment. Why can’t I just do what I want regardless of whether or not she’s there? It doesn’t mean I’m being rude. I’ve gone without her for over a month and never held it against her. So if she goes and wants to run, let her. I even practiced in my head, “Ok! Have a good run! I’ll see you after. I’m gonna go on the elliptical.” And that part is the growth for me. That is the change. The fact that my brain is allowing me to rewire my response to people after a lifetime of adjusting to their needs. I’m in my Era of no longer being accommodating. Does that make me a jerk? Maybe. But why do I have to accommodate everyone else when I have yet to find someone to accommodate me.
The Girl Without A Face 