I woke up early this morning in anticipation of my morning tasks. I’m excited to get them started, I’ve fallen in love with the process of what I’ve started doing. Since the new year started, I’ve really begun to shift the focus on doing what I love as much as possible. I’ve started asking myself what I want long term. I can see an end goal. I have a vision. I don’t know if that will ever come to fruition. I don’t know if I’ll fail. Right now what I’m doing is what you would consider exploring hobbies. For the first time in my life I’m spending quality time with myself.
I wake up every morning and I look forward to the day. I enjoy what I’m doing for work, I now have the energy back to make jewelry (thanks to my medication), I’ve been thrifting treasures to resell. These are all things that bring me joy, I enjoy the process. I take time to spend with my son, I read, I relax, I go to the gym consistently. Really, all I’m missing is spending time with anyone else outside of that. The last time I spent time with someone, I went to lunch with an old friend about three weeks ago. My sister has been the only person regularly checking in on me. This isn’t something new though, this has now become a new normal. For the past two years, since I lost my mind and had a nervous breakdown, other people seem to be the problem.
Its not that I don’t want to have relationships because I do. What I don’t want is high maintenance relationships that require me putting another person first. Everyone goes through things, so sometimes relationships ebb and flow. My one friend I was going to the gym with for example, she’s been busy with other things. She’s stopped going. I don’t mind having the freedom to go alone to the gym whenever I want to be honest. And when I reflect back I realize that most of the time our gym sessions were me listening intently about what was going on in her life. I don’t mind doing that, but that isn’t something I’m going to seek out above spending time with myself.
Then there are all the old relationships that crumbled throughout 2020 and as I was losing my mind. A few people had resurfaced here and there, but I struggle with reaching out to them. I don’t post on social media, I haven’t in 2 years. There are a few reasons for my disappearance. It feels to me like I’m a completely different person. To them, I’d still be the old version. It feels like there would be such a disconnect, would I even still like those old friends? Would I even choose them now that I know myself?
So I’ve settled into the solitude. It really isn’t lonely for the most part. I sometimes scroll tik tok and I watch people that I feel I would be friends with in real life. Of course they don’t live anywhere near me, but it’s comforting to know that there are people like me at least. With similar interests, maybe people that wouldn’t judge what I’ve been through. I don’t feel like that would be found so easily in my reality. It feels too hard to explain.
But this week I was dropping the dog off at the groomers very early in the morning, and as I walked to the door there was a man standing there waiting to let me in. They hadn’t officially opened yet (it was that early) so he had to manually open the door for me, and of course the dog sniffed him and we had a bit of an interaction. I walked into the office, dropped him off, and as I walked out the man said, “let me let you out.” I thanked him, and as I was leaving he gave me his phone number and said to text him. Of course it threw me off, but I smiled and said, “Ok”. It was the first interaction I had in weeks more than a casual “hello” or “have a good day” and I got in my car excited. As I drove home I contemplated if I would actually text him.
I waited the three hours it takes to groom the dog, picked him up, and as soon as I got home I sent a message,”just picked up the dog, I didn’t see you there”. He replied quickly. I guess he left early. We sent a few messages back and forth and when I asked him why he worked there he said, “Well, I just got out of state. Was there 13 years.” I guess you could call that a red flag. I was still curious. I asked why he was there. Silence. A few hours later he messaged me his favorite color, what he likes to do for fun, obviously avoiding the question of why he spent 13 years in prison. I laughed to myself and didnt respond.
I guess you never know when or who will connect with you out there in the wild. Sure, I could go on dating apps, social media, etc. But I’ve been there, done that. I’m just not interested, at least at the moment. I’d rather let things unravel naturally. Maybe I’ll never meet anyone. Maybe I’ll only meet felons. Maybe I’m supposed to be my only friend right now. And to be honest, I’m ok with that.
The Girl Without A Face 