My son’s Winter Performance was last night. It’s a time when I’m able to see his dances for the first time this season. I surprisingly was less stressed than I normally am. Is it fair to contribute that to my mom and her husband not being there? These performances force you to acknowledge the passing of time. I am starting to see more and more people from my high school sprinkled in the audience. They are starting the first year’s of dance with their children. I’m finishing up mine.
I always felt so alone and uncomfortable while waiting in the line for the show to start, or waiting in the audience. I rarely had a boyfriend to bring, I think once I was dating someone that went to one of his shows since he’s starting dancing 6 years ago. My family is now completely estranged, but before then, my mom couldn’t make it to both shows. She lives out of state. My uncle and my aunt came last night, which I appreciated. My sons father and his parents were there. I’ve been in the audience alone before.
I’ve always felt out of place, felt like people looked at me like they knew I had made a mistake. But now, I feel like people look at me differently. Is it because I’m looking at myself differently? Is it because I’m giving myself some grace? That maybe just because people can glance at me and my son and deduct that my life has been hard doesn’t mean that I have feel out of place. I can be proud of myself, of who my son is, of who I am as a mom. I’m just like them. My age doesn’t make me less than. I’m planning college visits, I’m figuring out the best way for him to get his driver’s license. Just because most people my age have toddlers doesn’t mean that one day they won’t be in my position. I just got here first. Really, the person that needed to stop judging me was myself.
I felt at ease last night and I’m not sure why. I talked to a few other moms, saw people I haven’t seen in awhile, normally this would be stressful for me. But something has changed. I’m not sure what it is. I feel I’ve started to recognize and appreciate my inner strength. And maybe I’ve stopped feeling so sorry for myself in the process. Maybe I’m enjoying the end of an Era. Reflecting back on the past 16 years of being a mother. And while I know I’m not perfect, my God, I did it against all odds without any support system. What’s there to be scared of? If I can do that, the limits are endless.
The Girl Without A Face 