Have you ever felt suddenly trapped by your life? By the responsibilities in it? Like you couldn’t go on, not even for one more day, yet you had no other choice but to keep going living the same day over and over and over? I know this sounds dramatic. I’m sure there is a lesson here. I feel this way every so often. Like my life is crushing me. Like I have no control over it, like my life is running me. And I’m running in circles, I’m not getting ahead. No matter how badly I want to win I always seem to be missing something from the formula. I know there are people that become successful from nothing, how do they do it? What do I need to do? Maybe I’m not good enough to get to where I want to go. Maybe my dreams exceed my abilities. Maybe I’m meant to live in this dead-end version of the world.
The past couple of weeks have been busy. Obviously, there is Christmas. I’ve been thrifting presents. Then researching the idea of reselling vintage items. A rabbit hole of its very own. Could this be the big idea that gets me out of my hole? I started life in a hole. And ever since I could remember I’ve been fighting to dig my way out. Some people are born with lives handed to them on silver platters. I was born being told I’d have to work my ass off to get anywhere. So I have. Yet I feel like im stuck, like I’ll always be stuck. Working for some asshole who gets a slight power trip from telling me to work harder because his life is miserable too. I want to work for myself. I always have. But how? I feel like I have a million ideas swimming around inside of my head, none of them good enough to make me enough money to quit my job which is ultimately what I want to do.
I took the first step 5 months ago, I left the soul sucking corporation that took 15 years of my life. I was emotionally invested, it was a necessary step to leave that company. So now, 5 months later, I’ve seen this new role for what it is. I’ve heard my teams grievances, all centered around my boss and his inability to properly manage. Nothing I’m not used to. The whole reason I got into leadership and stayed there for the last 5 years at my previous company was because I was abused by my prior boss. I handled that experience much differently. I thought I could change the world, I thought I would get justice. I brought what was happening to his bosses. Things just got worse. My job would be threatened for years. Him cornering me in rooms for hours was the norm. Sexually harassing comments were just something to get used to, the least of my worries. I had to start documenting everything he was doing and saying with dates and times because I knew one day he would try to retaliate against me. I’m not a fan of the power trip game. The funny thing is, this new boss is like him. Except on a much, much smaller scale. Maybe this is my test? How will I handle this? How should I handle this? I know what doesn’t work. Trying to address the problem head on and making yourself a target.
Last night I was angry. Another annoyance caused by my boss. He typically ignores my existence, has no clue any details of my life. I’ve been here 5 months and we haven’t once had a scheduled one on one. But he won’t miss a chance to call you out if there is something you do even slightly wrong. There was a company-wide meeting scheduled during the lunch hour yesterday, and for some reason yesterday morning I just did not feel well. I had to lie down during my break. I didn’t even notice there was a meeting. When I got back to my desk there was an email from my boss, “Why weren’t you in this meeting.” Now, you might think, “Oh, that’s no big deal. He was just asking.” But it’s in the little things. He never communicates to me through email, only messenger, so I knew he was formalizing the question. It made me feel like I was getting in trouble, like he was starting to investigate. Coming from a leadership position, there are many things about his style I could critique is all I’ll say. I’m a hard-working engaged employee, but a bad boss will instantly make me want to leave. I’m now completely disengaged today and this isn’t the first time he’s disengaged me completely.
The point is, I like my own style of management. I believe in my work ethic. I don’t need validation from him or anyone else. But I used to, especially when I used to work for my abusive boss before I got into leadership. It’s interesting that this is the first position I took out of leadership and the boss I have is a similar type of person. I badly want to start to work for myself. When I think of starting over at a new company again and leaving this one I’m not excited about the prospect. I want to make my own hours. I want to tell myself “good job”. I want to manage myself from now on. The goal now is figuring out how.
The Girl Without A Face 