One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot this week is how each individual journey is unique. What I have needed to do for myself over the past two years may not be what someone else needs to do in order to heal themselves. I recognized that I used to have an issue with comparison mainly because it’s no longer there. I am happy for the people in my life, even if it may cause me to look at my own. But ultimately I am my own mirror now. I know what is best for myself. It may be unconventional, it may be something that makes no sense to someone else. But it’s what I needed to do to get back to myself. I’ve realized I’m more me now than I’ve ever been before.
This is coming up for a few reasons, first, I have someone close to me in my life who is going through a divorce. She got on the apps, met someone else, they’ve been talking now for about a week or so. She needs that. She needs the affection, she needs to feel pretty again, this was important in her story for many reasons. Her starting to date caused me to initially feel a sense of urgency, “I’ve been single for two years, she’s been single for two months, something is wrong with me.” But I went back to myself and evaluated how I felt. I’m not ready to date. I’m not ready to put that much energy into an app. Maybe I never will be. Maybe if it happens, it happens. I’ve become completely content with being on my own. A partner would be nice, but I also don’t need someone there just to fill the space. I want to be slow and methodical about who I let in. Unfortunately, in this day and age, that might seem like too much work to most people. It’s much easier to go on and swipe away. I’m ok with that. Thats what I need. I’m ok with being alone forever if it means I’ll never have to be abused again.
Then my sister, she leads a much different life than me. We’ve been talking a lot. We really have gone to the next level in our relationship. My life is very quiet, hers seems busy to me even though she says she doesn’t do nearly as much as she used to. For me, prior to the pandemic, I used to double or triple book myself. I could never say no to things. It felt like I never had time to relax. Now, it’s odd if I’m doing anything outside of the gym and driving my son around. I’m content though, I have found what I love to do. I love reading, writing, making jewelry. I have been healing. I can easily make decisions now. But this week she went to a comedy show and over to a friend’s house. I was starting to think, “Is it me that’s the problem?” But yesterday she messaged me and said she had nothing planned, nowhere to go. No friends available. And that’s when her anxiety creeps in, when she’s alone with herself. For me, I shut down during 2020, had a complete breakdown, and it has now taken two years to start to come back online and want to do things with other people. I will never be the same as before. The point is, we are both coping, we are both self-soothing, we just like different things. And that’s ok. I don’t have to be anyone else but me.
For a long time I thought I was alone in how I was. I tried to force myself into being extremely extroverted. If you ask anyone that knew me before my breakdown they would likely say I was the life of the party. Really, I was just overcompensating for how uncomfortable I was. I also thought being introverted was a bad thing. I tried to hide my true self because it was put down so much in childhood. Now I’m embracing it. I’m learning who I am for the first time. The people that are still in my life that have known me for a long time feel like they are meeting parts of me I’ve never showed them before. And they are right. I denied even myself I had them.
So this week as I heard about those closest to me and their lives. Their struggles. Their excitements. I didn’t instantly think, “Oh no, I have to get on their level.” I listened of course, encouraged them absolutely, but I’m proud to say that it didn’t influence me or my behavior in any way. I don’t feel less than because I still need time to reintegrate into the world while there are others that go out all the time. I don’t feel behind because I haven’t dated in two years and my friend found someone right away. I’m no longer attached to the outcomes of their story. I’m no longer responsible for anyone but me. It feels incredible for the first time in my life to feel free.
The Girl Without A Face 