I never quite understood what it was about my mother that made me scared to speak up. That made me nervous as soon as I had an opinion or a feeling that was negative. When I was little I was trained to be a certain way, accommodating really, to her of course. My feelings were never considered, if anything it was more like “how dare you say that.” She brought me into this world after all. In her mind that made me forever indebted to her, and on some level I knew that. For survival purposes, I forgot that along the way. Learned how to abandon myself easily. Believe she had good intentions. Believe everything she was telling me. She told me my sister was out to get me, my dad was evil, even my uncle (her brother) didn’t believe in me. She was so deep in my head on so many levels I couldn’t trust anyone or anything but her near the end. This inevitably caused a mental breakdown.
So why is this top of mind today? Well, a holiday just passed, and quite frankly I just can’t pretend anymore in this passive aggressive manner. My mom will send my son, my sister and I all separate messages, but mine will be the “worst” of the three. In her mind she’s punishing me. She loves slight and small forms of torture. In her mind she’s the queen. In her mind I’m still vying for her love. In her mind because I’ve gone against her I must pay.
As you can imagine, these games are not something that I can or want to participate in with a 70 year old woman. I’d love to have a mom who checks in to see how I am, but that is absolutely out of the question. There has now been a vendetta that’s formed against me, people have been called. The stage has been set yet again to sweep this under the rug. I’m just not capable after all she has done. She has to be held accountable. And not in a mean or malicious way. In a way where I can express myself and be heard. In a way that shows me that she sees me as a human being too. So I didn’t respond to the passive aggressive message and this got her attention. She called me for the first time in a year and a half, I’ve been asking her to call me for that long as well. I took a day to sit with the message I received along with the call and then I responded honestly with how I truly felt. It was extraordinary what I received back. It was as if there was a teenage girl on the other end of the phone arguing with me. I was able to stay calm and truly give how I felt, she told me I should get some humility, that my anger is legendary, that I’ve made plenty of mistakes as well. I didn’t give specifics on what I was upset about, I just let her know I didn’t know how to approach her because historically my feelings were not received well. The conversation proved my point. The conversation showed me the truth. The conversation proved that I have been doing the right thing by healing from her.
What I’m still working on is forgiving myself. This conversation has put me closer than I’ve ever been. I’ve always wondered how I could possibly have listened to her for so long, why did I need her love so badly, how could I have been tricked by her when she was so clearly in the wrong? I guess there are many reasons for this. I was groomed to fit that role since I was a little kid. My sensitivity used against me like a weapon. By the time I was an adult I had no self esteem, I couldn’t make a decision, I had extreme anxiety, I was in toxic relationships, and I had a mother who constantly told me I was the problem and to rely on her for the answers. I wish I could’ve seen it sooner, but when you lose your mom it feels like you lose your foundation. You have to become your own foundation. There is no one there to catch you if you fall, it is scary to be in the world all on your own with no real support. The truth is I’ve always been on my own. I’ve just pretended she would be there for me. She’s proven time and time again she would always choose herself first. I wish I could’ve seen that before I had to spend 12 days in a psych ward due to her abuse.
She believes parents should be respected and forgived unconditionally. She believes their beliefs should be instilled in their children no matter what. She truly believes she is superior. I am just a pawn. Someone to make her feel good. The sheer fact that I could possibly suggest that she’s done something that has made me feel negative in any way makes me an ungrateful, hateful child. Her, the poor victim. It proves I never had a voice. It proves why I’ve been so traumatized. I was able to have the conversation without feeling emotional whatsoever, this proves why we no longer have any ties. Losing my mother is something I was avoiding my whole life. I finally chose myself over her, this is inexcusable. I have to come to peace with the fact that this is my mother. I have to understand that she will never change. That the time I spent trying to earn her love was wasted. I’m grateful for losing my mind so I could finally obtain clarity on the situation. In my opinion, this is what healing looks like.
The Girl Without A Face 