The Girl Without A Face

Well, we made it to Thanksgiving. I have to say, I’m thankful I feel much better than I did earlier this week. I’m thankful I understand myself and where my emotions are coming from. I’m so incredibly grateful and thankful for my son, I’m thankful my sister and I are talking again. I’m definitely thankful for a 4-day weekend. This year I’m also really allowing myself to grieve, and I do think thats what has been coming up the past week in my body. Like my body knew it was the holidays, my mind dissociating from what that means to me. Why it would upset me. Looking back on past celebrations. Feeling heartbreak. Feeling anger. Knowing that I’m still healing from my parents.

I’ve really only celebrated Thanksgiving once since 2016, my uncle died the week before that year. My boyfriend broke up with me the night before as well. He told me he didn’t want to have to attend the funeral. Emotions weren’t really his thing. Four years earlier, my Grandma died in November as well. About two weeks before Thanksgiving. Forever changing our holiday dynamics.

I didn’t speak to my dad or my sister for about 3 years. Through that time, I wouldn’t receive a “happy birthday” or “merry christmas” messages from them. But my dad would send cards to my son in the mail, whether this was right or wrong I would open them. They wouldn’t contain a gift but they would contain a letter explaining how awful I was. How I was keeping them apart. Even though he was the one who moved across the country.

My mom isn’t coming up for the holidays this year. She moved away when my son was 2, I haven’t celebrated Thanksgiving with her since then (14 years), but Christmas I typically do (with the exception of a few years she didn’t feel like traveling). This year it’s more personal, I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know if I’ll receive a gift or a passive aggressive text. I just know shes not coming up.

Last year around this time I started to take the holidays back. I used to get so incredibly anxious around this time, beg for them to end. It would remind me of death, of losing my family, of pain, of not being able to make new memories. But last year I decided I was going to enjoy the holidays. My son and I had pasta on Thanksgiving (I still don’t love this holiday), and for Christmas I decorated with all my family ornaments I inherited, we made appetizers together, watched a scary movie. I was extremely happy with the little celebration I had. This year, it feels like I’m still able to celebrate but I also am mourning the past.

When I was little our family and family friends would come together to our house for a Christmas Eve celebration. I would be so excited in the morning. I would ask my mom how many people were coming, count when they would arrive, wait for my favorites to show up. We would get so many presents, so much attention. We would get to dress up. Have sparkling cider in special glasses. Sometimes we would even sing songs. Sometimes the adults would get loud. Do something completely off the wall. I’d get to stay up late, the next morning presents would be waiting for me. I’d spend the whole morning with my sister. The neighbors would come over to play the new video games. It felt warm, and full, and safe. Just for a day. But like things always do, they change. It became two Christmases instead of one. The party stopped. Many of the attendees on both sides passed away. All just memories now. It feels like a lifetime has passed, but really it wasn’t that long ago in the grand scheme of things. Why am I the lucky one who gets to lose the holidays?

I know this is very self loathing, many people have it worse than me. I’m rebuilding what the holidays mean to me with the knowledge that it won’t include my mom, dad, or sister. Maybe in years to come my sister and I will do something, maybe in the future my holidays will look differently again. Maybe I need to appreciate what I have, my son, my uncle and aunt. It’s just an interesting feeling to understand what it feels like to lose your family while their still living. Especially during the holidays.

Happy Thanksgiving.