The Girl Without A Face

Since Friday afternoon I’ve felt a bit weird. Off. Physically. Like I’m running a mile when I’m sitting still. Like I don’t want to do anything but I feel restless when I sit down. Like I’m in between levels. I haven’t had this feeling for awhile, it actually reminds me a little of the times I was paralyzed in my depression. Although at that time it was weeks of watching the same show over and over and over, half paying attention, not being able to do anything else to fill my days. Yesterday it was the majority of my afternoon. After I had gone to the gym, gone grocery shopping, mailed a jewelry order. I just felt exhausted. Almost out of breath. I felt off. I knew I had to comfort myself with a show about nothing.

At a couple points I almost urged myself to get up, it almost worked, “you’ll feel better if you get the floors done today instead of tomorrow morning.” But then I said no, I feel off, I need to relax. I went up to my room after awhile and at least read for an hour or so before bed. I even googled the symptoms of a heart attack. I dont think that’s it. Still something feels wrong inside my body, could it be my blood pressure? I used to take medication for that and now I don’t. I guess we’ll see when I go back to check it in a couple months.

The problem is, I still go to the worst case scenario in my mind when I feel off like this. I still picture myself dropping to the floor, needing an ambulance, going to the hospital. I think of how when I lost my mind no one noticed for over a month. That maybe if someone could have seen the signs and gently nudged me towards a doctor before things got as bad as they did I wouldn’t have needed the hospital for 12 days. I worry every time I feel slightly off because that means that I may need to rely on someone for help. Sometimes that worries me more than the illness itself.

Then there is the question of when do I call for help? Before, when I lost my mind I didn’t even know I needed it. So maybe that’s a bad example. When I was younger and something was wrong or I felt sick and I told my mom she would usually just tell me I was fine. I would still not feel well so it would be this battle to tell myself I was ok while not feeling well inside. There are plenty of reasons I won’t just call the doctor. The money, the fact its probably nothing, the fact that they will likely just tell me everything looks good or to maybe get a couple tests but it’s nothing to worry about. I’ve felt this way before. Felt like something urgent was happening, felt like my body was giving out. And I was wrong. So this time I suppose I’m trying to figure out where it’s coming from. I’m trying to soothe myself. Google my symptoms (although we all know that doesn’t help). I’m more or less waiting for this feeling to pass. Waiting to feel better. Waiting to get my energy back.

In the meantime, this morning, I’m still going to go to the gym. I’m going to come home and clean. Then maybe I’ll make some jewelry. Watch TV. Read. Yesterday doesn’t need to be looked at like a failure, maybe it was needed. Maybe I needed to just lay down and be mindless for an evening. There’s no use in beating myself up for that. Maybe there’s not even a puzzle to solve. I suppose I just want to feel good. And right now I don’t. Maybe I’m just anticipating the holidays coming, maybe my body is calling for something. I’m just trying to listen so I can soothe myself.