It has been an interesting week to say the least, I keep telling my friend, “it feels like a new day.” You know as opposed to when you would typically say, “it feels like a Thursday” on a Tuesday, or something to that effect. It feels off, it feels both good and bad, I guess in many ways it feels like I’m processing.
I started the week off feeling quite depressed, but then my mood lifted as I resolved the issue quite quickly. But then of course I had to evaluate and investigate to try and understand my reaction. I truly believe somewhere deep inside that if I’m able to solve the riddles that lie within myself that maybe I won’t have to continuously be tested with the same puzzle. Upon investigation, I found I have to learn how to ask for help. I understand that better now.
Moving on to the middle of the week, my sister received messages from my mom about an upcoming trip shes going on to an island my mom has frequented. A “safe” topic as my sister called it, and what prompted the reach out was that it was posted on social media. My sister had said something about my mom feeling a certain way about the post prior to her reaching out, almost like a premonition. That’s how it works in our family. The masters of passive aggression. It’s exhausting. One of the many reasons I refuse to post on social media. My sister and I talked at length about that this week, and quite frankly, I feel like I’ve given my mom more than enough compassion, sympathy, etc in my lifetime. I just don’t have it in me to try to psychoanalyze what a chronic conspiracy theorist is thinking.
So last night, my friend I go to the gym with was so excited to tell me something. I was excited to meet her there. This was a change in her behavior compared to the past few months. She’s been down, how could she not. She’s going through a divorce. She let me know she got on a couple dating apps, and of course I wanted all the details. She hasn’t met anyone yet but she’s matched with a few people. We talked a lot about dating, what she’s looking for, etc. She said, “You know you’ll get back out there when you’re ready.” And I thought about those words. In between our sprints on the treadmill I said, “the sad part is I think I am ready. I would love someone in my life. It is just so overwhelming. I have so many check marks marked against me.”
I was vulnerable with her last night as I rattled off the things that make me an outsider in our society. I have a 16 year old at 35. I don’t use social media. The only family I speak to on a regular basis is my sister. I haven’t dated anyone in two years, in fact I’ve been basically a hermit for the majority of that time. I’ve removed most of my friends from my life. I had a complete mental breakdown. I’m completely sober and have been for 2 years as well. Just these few facts I’m listing make my pool of people so incredibly small that it becomes overwhelming to the point where I don’t see the point in trying. Where I’d rather lose myself in another book. Spend my time writing.
I left the gym and was thinking about this all the way home. It’s important to acknowledge the way I view myself, or the way I believe other people would perceive me. This shows me there is still work to be done. That maybe I’m much closer to being ready than I was, but I’m still not quite there. And that’s ok. Because when I am ready to meet someone I want it to be a soul mate kind of love.
The Girl Without A Face 