I woke up today and I said, “today is going to be a good day”, and I think the universe decided to test that theory. Not that anything inherently bad happened, just that things that could have caused me anxiety in the past were presented unexpectedly. The thing is, and I don’t know if it’s exhaustion or healing, I just don’t have the same reaction to these things. I don’t feel them the same way as I used to in my body. It’s not this involuntary rage that is screaming to escape yet I’m trying to tame it in the moment. It’s a calm, “ok, I’ll deal with this.” Or “Ok, this is happening, maybe I’ll do this while I wait.” It’s honestly kind of shocking that I reacted in this way, especially after the plumbing incident that occurred over the past few days.
My son was late this morning getting ready and off to school, we were in the car and I asked if he was up late finishing his drawing. He said he was. “Send it to me!” “I can’t. I woke up and my phone was still at 14%.” He was not happy. So I told him if anything happened to text me from a friend’s phone. I meant an emergency. We text here and there while he’s at school, but technically he isn’t supposed to have his phone out anyways. He didn’t seem thrilled that he didn’t have it, I told him it’s only until 2 o’clock. I dropped him off, I had messages to listen and respond to from my sister. Still in a good mood ready for my morning. An hour passed, and don’t you know it, I get a text from my son from someone else’s phone, “can you come pick me up, I don’t feel good.” Well I guess I have no choice now. I’m gathering my things to leave and all of a sudden I hear what sounds like a gun shot in my backyard. I don’t have time to worry about that though, I get in my car and go get him from school. When we get in the car I had to address the elephant in the room, “I know you feel fine. I know you just felt naked without your phone.” He still wants to go to his activities after school of course, so I said this was the last time. If you’re sick you’re sick, no more picking and choosing what you want to do throughout the day. As much as I want to make his life as easy and fun as possible, I feel like im setting him up for failure if he expects he’ll always get his way. That he’ll always be able to get to do what he wants. I want him to learn that sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do, or sometimes you have to stick it out even when you’re uncomfortable. For me, it’s a balance between addressing it with him through communication but also letting him know its ok and he’s not in trouble. His feelings are always valid.
We get home, I finally realize I need to get work done, it’s nearly 10 o’clock at this point. Now there’s no internet? I unplug the wifi three times and plug it back in. Nothing. I call the internet provider, “there’s an outage in your area.” Looks like I won’t get any work done after all. At this point in the past, my anxiety would’ve gotten the best of me for at least a moment. I would’ve at least had an outburst of frustration to myself, but today I was calm throughout the fluctuation of events. I normally have a huge problem when things don’t go as planned, or as I see them in my head. I can have one thing go wrong, or two things veer off, but when they start to pile up the fuse typically gets shorter and shorter. It usually feels like I almost have to have an outburst to refuel myself. But this time I didn’t at all. I calmly listened to the recording, heard the time it would be restored. Emailed my boss from my personal Gmail account. Sat in my chair for a few minutes before getting up. I read the start of a new book, cleaned my upstairs bathroom, ate lunch. Before I knew it the internet was back up and running. I’ve been working diligently ever since. Now I’m writing this, all caught up.
This may sound so trivial to most people, you may read this and think, “Why are you so shocked you can act like an adult instead of a bratty child”, but the point is I’m healing myself. And it’s working. I’m getting out of survival mode. Those little life things that happen do trigger me (i.e. the plumber scenario of 2022) but there are also situations I’ve found that I have grown in. Like this one. Where I can have several things throw me off my day and not react like I used to. Though it may sound small, this is my win for the week so far. And I’ll take it.
The Girl Without A Face 