The Girl Without A Face

As usual, it’s all in my head. I make mountains out of mole hills, isn’t that the saying? It was amazing how quickly everything was resolved yesterday, truly unbelievable how easy it was. The two people who came to resolve the clogged drain were nicer than I could’ve asked for. One of them even told me that I was a breathe of fresh air, told me some of the nightmare scenarios they come across in their day to day. I can’t even imagine. It’s funny because in my mind I became paralyzed, I felt like the clogged drain was my fault, I felt like a failure for asking for help. I was worried they were going to come in my house and think of how disgusting it was that this happened. Instead, they complimented my decor. Told me they liked the way my house was set up. Said that this was nothing compared to what they were used to. An easy way to start their Monday morning.

The whole scenario was resolved by noon, in the end I didn’t even mind the price I had to pay to get everything cleaned up. To no longer have to worry about the mess in the basement. I felt like I finally resolved this huge problem that I had been dealing with for months. A “normal” person likely would’ve gotten this resolved back in August. Maybe I’m still beating myself up. The things I think I should know, I’m still learning. It’s ok that I don’t know everything. I’ve never had this happen before. All I know is I treated myself nicely and gently still throughout the day yesterday and woke up in a better mood.

I’m starting to see my catastrophic thinking. I went to absolute worst case scenario, and it felt paralyzing. In reality, this was a very small problem that I dealt with timely. On a professional scale this was an easy fix to a minor problem, likely the easiest job of their day. I blamed myself a lot throughout this process. How could I let things get so dirty? How could I not resolve this earlier? How could I live in such a disgusting house? That is judgement that I still need to resolve within myself. I thought I was healed, but it seems the healing continues. I find more in my triggers. I wonder how long it will take to get a clean bill of health after being raised by my parents.

I feel myself progressing forward, even though it feels like I’m walking through mud sometimes. I believe the more I observe my behavior and acknowledge that it is an over reaction to a simple problem the more I can find what’s really going on inside. I can get deeper, I can find the root of the problem, but can I ever fully be free? Will I ever recover from being abused mentally?