I’m starting to settle into the fact that I’m more myself than I’ve ever been. I don’t panic when I feel settled. I’m not creating problems where there aren’t any. I’m acknowledging what is bothering me, where I want to be, who I am now. I’m living a life that I enjoy in every moment. A life that I won’t look back on and regret.
From the outside, it doesn’t look like much. I stay in most of the time these days. I read a lot of books. I allow myself to watch a bit of TV here and there, though usually I get pretty bored with the screen. I’m starting to listen more and more when the itch to write is calling me. I’ve worked through a lot of my heavy baggage, I’m questioning my belief systems, I’m understanding finally what my dad means when he says, “there’s just not enough time for all of it.” There’s so much to learn, to know, to do, to understand. It would be impossible to even be able to absorb a quarter of it. Fascinating.
I saw something George Carlin said, I’m sure many years ago, it was along the lines of extreme belief systems and politics and not only how broken it was but also how upset people got. The jist I heard from him talking was that he decided to jump out of the circus and observe the world burning through the lens of entertainment purposes only. It’s interesting, especially as I’ve been contemplating the psychological effects of my mom telling me the world would end every day for months, after years of ranting about conspiracies during every conversation we had. There was so much fear placed inside of me. I’m sure she’s still living in a world comprised of it. I don’t subscribe to it. What good will that do? If I’m anticipating the end of the world every day how can I possibly enjoy anything?
There is a lot to be upset about, you can open one news story and I’m sure find 10 things to focus on. Healthcare, wages, corporations, billionaires, homelessness, the war on drugs, the prison system, politics in general, the list goes on. I always wondered why my mom tried so hard to prove her point. Why it was so important for her to be right. It became less about fixing anything and more about being on the right side. Maybe I’m writing this because it’s election season again, maybe because two years ago the election and the craziness surrounding it contributed to me losing my mind. It just feels so odd that politics makes people so emotional. It’s such a touchy subject, yet everyone seems to be screaming their opinions. Meanwhile, Skid Row has just gotten progressively worse and has existed for the past 36 years with no end in sight.
What’s my point? I’m glad you asked. Maybe, just maybe, picking blue or red is not what solves all this. It’s so extremely complex. Way above my head. But am I really a bad person if I just choose to not subscribe to it? What do I do if both sides are problematic? I guess agree with George Carlin and watch everyone scream at eachother from my seat on the sidelines. Call me a cynic if you like.
The Girl Without A Face 