The Girl Without A Face

Each person is such a complex being. I used to not understand why no one took the time to comprehend my pain, but then I realized there are so many other factors. It would be ridiculous to believe that anybody, even your closest friend or family member, could possibly understand your every intricacy and love you in the exact way you crave. As this week has unfolded, these thoughts surface again.

First, with the silence I’ve received in response to my outreach on receiving my Grandma’s jewelry back. I finally had the courage to reach out. I’m finally healed enough to move through the shame I felt. To understand that the anger and resentment I held was really towards myself. It took two years to face the reality of what is in this situation, but here I am. Vulnerably asking for compassion. Asking for people to put me first. I brought myself to gather the strength last night to check the status of the messages. They have been left unread. It’s been bothering me. Of course it has. How can someone be that heartless? Then I thought deeper, maybe I’m the villain to them. I treated the scenario without consideration for what they had going on. Maybe they don’t even have Facebook messenger anymore. The point is, I had to work through all of these feelings. At the bottom of the well of my emotions I realized they were not responsible for helping me to resolve my regret. I made that choice, now I have to live with it. I have to learn how to resolve my disappointment with myself. That’s still a work in progress. It’s much easier to blame someone else.

My friend has been struggling this week, I usually stay pretty quiet about what I’m working on or struggling with, writing out my thoughts are all I need. But everyone is different. My friend is struggling specifically this week with the fact that no one understands the magnitude of what she’s going through. The heaviness of what she’s dealing with. The layers that she has to now pull back. Because once you leave a toxic situation you have to ask, “how did I get here to begin with?” The thing is this is something that has to be worked through alone. It is not the responsibility of anyone else, they have their own intricate puzzle to solve. But I understand deeply how she feels because I’ve felt that way myself. “How can no one hear my silence, I haven’t spoken in two years!” It is shocking to find out how little people think of you. It is disorienting to see how quickly life moves on without you. But once you move past the initial shock, I truly believe that’s when the discovery of self can begin. Along with genuine self love.

Another theme this week, two separate people telling me their experiences out at bars last weekend. Many stories of the heavy addiction. The signs of drug use. Talks of people being alcoholics. Someone our age dying, it’s not the first time. It usually means one of three things: drugs, alcohol, or suicide. It makes me start to wonder about the demons we all carry inside. If left to their own devices they will eat us alive one way or another. It seems like there is only two choice in your 30’s: heal or get lost in the darkness. Maybe the lights can still come on later, I’m sure there are exceptions.

All in all, the truth is its incredibly hard to face yourself. To take full accountability. To acknowledge that while what has happened to you may not have been your fault, your actions and choices leading you to those actions make you culpable. “But what about when I was just a child”, yes that’s a good point. It all leads back to that doesn’t it? At some point we have to grow up even if that means reparenting ourselves. Otherwise we all remain adult children refusing to evolve until we reach the end of our lives.