I’m no stranger to regret, I don’t think anyone is. We’ve all experienced at one point or another making what we perceive as the wrong decision. We want to be able to go back in time and correct it, but we can’t. The damage is done. So we are left with “What ifs” and “What could have been” and “If only I had known.”
Earlier this week my Grandma had been heavy on my mind. Really for the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about her alot. I’ve even asked her for a sign, “Grammy, are you around?” Maybe I’ve been thinking about her so much because she’s trying to contact me from the beyond. As I dug deeper, I was cleaning my office/jewelry room, and I happened upon the remaining pieces of her jewelry and it hit me. I regret what I did with the rest of them. At the time, I thought there was a reason I felt so compelled to give them away, I gave them willingly. It was my fault completely even though mentally I was unraveling. I’ve been processing my decision all week. I haven’t talked to that old friend since he grabbed the remainder of his things from my house back in May of 2021. I remember he disappeared after I was hospitalized, and then showed back up, just for a day, to feign sympathy for me right when I needed it. Not more than a week went by before he asked to grab some of the things he left, I said yes. Of course I did. I never heard from him again. This is someone I’ve known since I was 5, but because of this fact I know some of his tendencies to be self serving deep inside. I know he knew enough that he couldn’t just demand these things that he left (even though he could’ve I wanted them out and didn’t know what I was going to do to get them out), so it felt like he put on a show and buttered me up. Afterwards, it made me feel like every experience I had with him was tainted. That he never cared about me at all. That everything he ever did was to serve him and I was just a side character. Someone who could be easily removed. Replaced. Thrown away.
I held a lot of resentment and anger towards him, but recently I let go of that. When I let him stay with me for those few months prior to my breakdown I realize he was pivotal to me opening pandoras box to start my healing. He cleaned for me, shopped for me, made me laugh. He wasn’t the healthiest person to live with, but he made me feel supported. I started to wonder how much of my resentment was left over from how my mom would think about a situation that happened to her. Make the other person the bad guy so it’s easier to swallow. So throughout the past few weeks, along with thinking about my Grandma, I’ve been thinking about him. Played around with reaching out and then deciding against it.
So back to regret. I’ve worked through some other regrets during my healing process. There was one person I had dated around the same time as my child’s father, and ultimately chose to stay with the latter at the time. I’ve always wondered what my life would have been like if I would’ve stayed with the one guy who loved me like I never experienced before. The guy who sang “Wonderwall” on my voice-mail when I stopped answering his calls. To scared and ashamed and heartbroken to tell him I was pregnant now, the chase was over anyway. I was staying with the guy you lost me to. I’ll always remember you. I couldn’t say anything, and when I was healing I regretted that deeply. So 16 years after the incident (don’t worry we’ve briefly spoken throughout this time, but it’s been a few since then) I told him I was sorry. I told him how much I really did appreciate him at the time. And that I hope he has the best life. And he never responded. And it was brutally painful for a few days. It was regret that was lifting after all those years.
So yesterday morning I thought about that, how regret is in the things you never say but want to. And I messaged the old friend who lived with me briefly two years ago. Who’s nieces have my Grandma’s jewelry. And I asked for it back. I said I hope you can understand that I was not in a good mental state at the time, I’m willing to pay. I hope all is well with you. I don’t want to extend an invitation to open the relationship, this was purely transactional. So far I’ve heard nothing, and thats ok. I could be talked about in rooms right now, “Guess who reached out to me after two years. That crazy girl I’ve known since I was 5 years old.” Or maybe he’s working to orchestrate the return of my Grandma’s belongings to me. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’m taking control of the regret I feel. I’m being vulnerable. I’m saying, “Listen, I know this was completely my decision at the time and it is my fault that I sent this, but if you can find it in your heart to return them I will send money or whatever is needed.” I put the ball in his court.
After not hearing back, I contemplated reaching out to his sister directly in a couple weeks. I’ll see how I feel. I think this might be his lesson to learn in not being so incredibly selfish. Doing something purely for someone else. That would show he isn’t who he’s shown himself to be in the past anymore. I suppose only time will tell. There are many lessons for me. Ever since I was little I had a problem with giving away my things. I think I’ve resolved that problem with this, giving away my most valuable items. There is value in some material things, and it’s ok to cherish something. Another lesson for me is that it is ok to be vulnerable. Nothing bad will come of it. Worst case scenario I’m in the same spot as I am now, except I’ve gotten how I feel off my chest. Best case scenario I get what I want back.
I’m resolving regret. Regret: thinking over and over again what you would’ve done differently, then doing nothing to change it in the present.
The Girl Without A Face 