The Girl Without A Face

I checked a couple things off my to do list this past week that have been there for months. Some I’ve had to do in increments. Some I wasn’t ready for. At one time, back when I was fresh out of the hospital, I remember asking myself, “What do you do when your to do list runs out?” It was at that point, I believe, my body was preparing me for a deep resting period before launching me forward into territory that had been previously unknown to me. I had been doing things in the same way for years, in the same haphazard way, in a rush, waiting for the one thing to come along and save me. I had to slow down and learn how to save myself.

So, let’s start with going to the doctor. For reasons I don’t think I have to explain, I’m hesitant to do this. I don’t think they can help me. Sure, if I feel something is seriously wrong I’ll do what is necessary, but I have a deep mistrust for doctors that stems back to before I went into the hospital for my breakdown. I tried so hard to tell them desperately something was wrong, I basically forced their hand to order MRIs everywhere. When the results came back I had inflammation everywhere so I said, “What now”, and they replied, “nothing is wrong, just like I originally said.” Well, come to find out it isn’t normal to have inflammation everywhere, including your brain, but I’ve learned that another way. I’ve spent the last two years healing. Anyway, I’ve been on three medications, one for migraines, another for my agita (heartburn), and one for high blood pressure. I had an inkling I could stop taking the blood pressure medicine because the last time I saw the doctor was back over a year ago she said something to that effect. Since then, I’ve also tried to apply for life insurance and have been declined because of the medications they prescribed when I had my breakdown. Apparently, if you are diagnosed with Bipolar you are not a good candidate to stay alive. I have been off these medications for over a year as well, and I have an idea of what I do have, but I dont fit the criteria for Bipolar necessarily. As long as I can maintain a routine that’s good enough in their eyes to say I don’t have it we’ll just say. So, I went to the doctor with a list of three items. I explained what I was there for clearly. I was honest about what I wanted. She asked me a few questions relating to my diagnosis. I answered them, and then BAM. I’m no longer Bipolar. All this time, almost 2 years to the day. It used to bother me more, but now I feel like it was more of a technicality. I can’t erase the hospital stay, she explained, but the diagnosis is gone. I’ve been putting that off for months I guess now we’ll see if I’m again a candidate for life insurance.

Then later in the week, yesterday to be exact, I finally had my new washing machine delivered. This was a process I created in my head. I remembered to notated how easy it was to myself for future reference. The process actually started about a month and a half ago. This is when my old machine was getting stuck in the rinse cycle. I would then have to spend time in the basement turning the machine back on, googling how to fix the problem, nothing helped. This machine was acquired by the prior owners of the home, so I’m not even sure how old the machine was at this point. I eventually decided that the only way to resolve the issue was to buy a new one. This was a huge decision for me on my own. I consulted no one. First, I had to tackle cleaning up the surrounding area. Let’s be honest though, that was done weeks ago. But then I thought “Well I’ll be traveling for work”, I didn’t want to purchase it then and be gone. I pushed it off until I was back. Finally the second week of October, after dealing with a broken machine for God knows how long, I pulled up the Lowes website after I took measurements downstairs. Then of course I had to do the compare to Home Depot, then I almost didn’t buy anything at all. This stuff is expensive! Anyways, I added it to my cart and clicked checkout and moved on. Of course the delivery was delayed an additional week, so yesterday was finally the day I would be able to do laundry in peace. The delivery person came in and I led him downstairs and wouldn’t you know it he gave me a compliment on my hair. Then he asked if it was just me and the dog in the house, since the dog was barking like crazy, and I said “no my sons upstairs”. Looking back thats kind of an odd question for a delivery man. Anyways, it was delivered, and all my laundry was done last night. I feel like I accomplished something huge, but in reality it was really quite easy on my part.

I used to think that everything needed to be completed as quickly as possible. That if you did things fast you did them well. But now I’m starting to learn that everything will come together when it’s time. I’m learning what it feels like to finally be able to say that something you’ve been wanting to complete for such a long time is now done. It’s a wonderful feeling to follow through on your commitment to yourself. It’s also allowed me to see the value in having patience.