This week has been interesting, like every other week, if paid attention to it can hold meaning. Ups and downs. Growth. Change. It all seems to tie together yet to the naked eye would appear to be unrelated. The only thing I have to go on is the fact that I can feel myself growing, improving. Becoming who I want to be. Responding in a way that doesn’t make me feel guilty for days. I’m not sacrificing myself for anyone or anything, but there is also an art to communicating my feelings that I am working on integrating.
My son is 16 and he is really quite amazing. When he was little, my mom used to tell me, “Well, God only gives you what you can handle.” She said this implying that she could handle my sister and I because we were so awful, but I could only handle a perfect angel child like my son because I wasn’t as strong as her. He recently told me that when he was little he has memories of her pulling him aside and asking who he likes better, her or me. He was 5. He didn’t have to be asked for me to know how he answered, so I just let him know that it’s ok he told her what she wanted to hear. That he shouldn’t have been put in that position by her.
My mom has wrecked havoc on both of our psyches in different ways. It’s a complex system that I’ve attempted to dissect and heal now for over a year. When I say that, when I push the blame on her, it really isn’t true. What happens is the effects of her parenting effected the way I’ve reacted to him. I try so hard to be “normal”, to do everything right. To be unaffected. But the truth is, I struggle every day. So yesterday, for the second time throughout the day, I was waiting on my son to finish getting ready. It was after work, he had to be dropped off at dance. He was running behind, we were going to be late. I called up to him for the second time that day, but this time I started to lose my patience a bit. “Were going to be late”, I said hastily, I know he gets frustrated when I rush him but I can’t help but do it sometimes anyway. By the time we were in the car and driving I was able to shake past my frustration and act like my normal goofy self again with him, except he wasn’t having it. “Wow, your mood really changed quick”, he said. The critique hit me in a way that reminded me of how my mom used to make me feel. I was quiet the rest of the way.
We got home, and every Thursday we watch our show. It’s a show he introduced me too. Something we could bond over, something he loves and because he does I love it too. Except of course the TV wasn’t working (I hate technology), so I had him work the steps to try to fix it to keep my reaction at bay. Unplug it and plug it back in. Wait 30 seconds. Try unplugging the wifi. I read my book while this was happening as a distraction. Normally something like this would raise my blood pressure and would cause me to react, but I’m trying, I’m really trying, to get better at that. So eventually it worked after maybe 10 minutes or so, but as soon as the show was about to start he looked over at me and made a comment about my reaction anyways. This kind of threw me over the edge I’ll be honest. I looked back at him and said, “Listen, I know I can have reactions to scenarios like this so I’m working really hard to improve on that. What I don’t understand is why you’ve critiqued me twice tonight. It makes me feel a certain way.” And then we didn’t talk for the entirety of the show. Normally, this is our time to bond, talk, make comments about the contestants. But it was excruciatingly quiet. I almost could not bare to watch the entire episode.
Its been difficult to move past this today. The last thing I want is for him to feel guilty for making me feel bad. On the flip side of that, I don’t want to be a door mat either. I need to express myself and communicate if something bothers me. I can’t bottle it up. He knows I’m trying. The thing is, he is impacted by my reactions the most. I know that. I know life hasn’t been easy for him, just like it wasn’t easy for me. I’m just trying to make things better for him than what they were for me. But they will never be perfect. I will mess up. I will say the wrong thing. The difference though, between my mom and me, is that not only am I trying to improve, but I know that most of the time, the problem is me. I suppose because I know that so well, it hurt to have to be reminded by him. I’m trying to fix it the best I can. It’s a process. Unfortunately, he has to witness each part of it. I always wanted to be a great mom, but sometimes I feel mediocre at best.
The Girl Without A Face 
2 responses to “When You Try Your Best But You Don’t Succeed”
After reading this post, I find myself wondering what your son’s issues are. All of us have then while does include our kids no matter how hard we try to deny it. For instance, is he learning anything from the teachings you give him? Is he letting you be who you are?
You mentioned guilty. In my opinion, sometimes guilt is something beneficial to feel. It gets us out of the cycle of self-interest and makes us look at a better picture.
Just saying.
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I really enjoy your perspective, thank you for providing them. It is interesting you say that, I really hate when he feels anything negative. Especially since my mom used guilt to control me for a long time. I don’t want that to be me. But you’re right, feeling guilty can also be beneficial. We are not always right, and it’s important to understand how we make other people feel with what we say and what we do. I suppose it’s the way in which it’s presented thats important. Thank you for this comment!
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