The Girl Without A Face

I have this bad habit of saying “my only friend”, when referring to the friend I go to the gym with. Yesterday, as I drove home by myself, I thought about the fact that I do this a bit more. The fact is I’ve become my own best friend over the past two years, and that was necessary. I needed to let go of a lot of old unhealthy friendships, I had to let go of my co-dependent ways in order to put myself first.

When I was at the gym last night, I had been texting with the friend I normally go with. She had been short with me, and I was telling myself it had nothing to do with me on the way. I was right, she has her own things she’s dealing with. It’s not her job to coddle me, to ask me how my day was. I was there at the gym and I got a message from someone I’ve talked to pretty consistently since I fell off the face of the earth. He reaches out in spurts, we’ll send messages back and forth talking about life. I listened to the message when I got into the car (I don’t know how, but I get into the habit of sending audio messages back and forth with people) and he was all excited about this new creative idea. It made me laugh, because he has a good sense of humor, and I responded saying I can’t wait to hear what he does with it. Once I responded I instantly thought to myself, “He’s been a friend. Maybe I have 2 after all.”

This got me thinking of the overall idea of friendship. What we expect from them, or maybe I should say what I expect to consider someone on that level. I suppose I would say I never really had any expectations before. If you were reasonably nice to me, we talked and had things in common, you would be considered a friend in my book. I wanted to be liked so badly I would keep people around that maybe weren’t so good for me. I would give too much of myself at the drop of a hat if I thought it meant someone would like me. When I had my breakdown, I had the rude awakening I’m now grateful for. It is very rare, if ever, that you should be putting anyone above yourself. I think I missed this memo, and then when I realized no one was there when I needed someone so terribly I became extremely resentful. And maybe I’ve been that way ever since. I’ve been resentful because I wouldve been there for any one of them on a level that would likely have been considered unhealthy. This does not make me better than them, maybe I can look at the breakdown as more of an intervention if I’m honest. I’ll never again care more about someone else’s problems, and I’ll never expect someone else to care more about mine. In friendship that is, I don’t think in these relationships we should be expected to cross that line.

I’m starting to view friendships as people you choose to spend time with because you enjoy their energy, what they bring to the table, how they make you feel. What they teach you about yourself. Possibly their ability to offer a new perspective. I’m no longer interested in friendships just to say I have them, those aren’t real in the end anyways. I want all relationships to hold value. I now value my time and space.

I value my friendship with the person I go to the gym with for many reasons. She was there for me when I needed it, but also showed me that I needed to take care of myself. She held her boundaries with me and showed me I was allowed to have them as well. She triggers me, but that helps me to grow. She does little things to let me know she cares. The other friend that reached out last night, he values my opinion. He actively listens. He makes me feel heard and seen. He makes me feel not alone. Both of these people can’t be my everything, but that doesn’t mean what they offer isn’t valuable.

I’m starting to understand that friendships are an appreciation of those that are walking beside you, they are not an expectation of what those people can offer to you.