Yesterday was just one of those days where everything was off. Ok, maybe not everything, but still was not the smoothest of days. I was up at 3am, the dog was acting funny. I was going to go in for a check-up myself, but ended up taking him to the emergency vet instead. It’s always $300-$500 for them to tell me he’s ok, at least this time I got blood work to put my mind at ease. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing as a dog mom. It feels harder than being a mom of a human some days.
I got home from the vet, and decided to treat myself to the thrift store before I logged back in. I found some cute things and let myself dream of becoming a full time reseller. Somehow the position I’m in feels dull but something I’m grateful for all at the same time. I received a few emails, back and forth from a potential sale. My partner was on the email as well. I had misspoke in our initial call and now I worry that the trust has been broken, that I lost all credibility on this one. That it won’t move forward. A lesson learned for me in my process I suppose, but a hard one. I need more things to move forward this month. Monday I felt like everything was happening in my favor, yesterday I was at a complete standstill. If anything moving backwards. That piece has been on my mind ever since. I feel like an imposter, a fraud. Like I’m not really supposed to be in this role. I don’t know how I got here. My boss thinks I’m doing well, I think I’m just pretending. Aren’t we all?
I didn’t get much accomplished at work yesterday, but when I logged off I forced myself to still go to the gym. This is the first time in over a week my friend went too. It’s hard to continue to stay motivated by yourself, especially with running for me. But I’ve been able to gently motivate myself. I went every day during the time she was gone but last Wednesday and Friday. She was easing her way back in, but I was running like I normally do. Somehow it felt so much easier with her there than by myself. I ramped up my speed while she was away, now it feels easier than when I was alone. It’s all a mental game I find fascinating. Especially since yesterday was such a downer. I couldn’t believe how easy it was to make it through the run because of that one simple change.
I got home to cook dinner, my son helped. He talked about the contest he just entered for his art which I loved to hear about. When dinner was ready, he brought it upstairs. I don’t have rules on where he eats, I’m ok to eat alone. We have plenty of time when we connect and I don’t believe in forcing connection with your kids. So I decided I was going to watch some TV, something I rarely do, but now I’m banning myself from my phone (for the most part) its something I might do a little more of. The funny thing is I couldn’t get it to work. I unplugged it and plugged it back in twice. Obviously getting frustrated. Finally it worked, and I laughed at my own frustration. I need to work on not letting these little things upset me. What a day this has been. Is the universe testing me?
It was one of those days that felt like 3 days in one. So much happened, I kept pushing on. I’m happy with myself for that part of it, but I could also work on my reactions. I’ve seen just in the matter of 24 hours how things seem to work out how they’re supposed to. It felt like one of those days where I was being put to the test. To gauge where I am. Do I still have the same reactions? If I were to evaluate my performance yesterday I would say I’ve improved but there is still work to be done. I still linger on my mistakes a little too long. I still worry a little too much about the things I can’t control. I still have too big of reactions for little things that can be easily resolved if I’m overwhelmed. One thing is for certain, there is a major breakthrough that I’ve never felt before. I can see that I’m making progress. And on the days that test me, I’m improving my score.
The Girl Without A Face 
4 responses to “Mid-Term Exams”
I just started following you, and after reading this post, I’m curious about a couple of things.
1. What is your reason for working from home?
2. Judging from the analysis you gave of your altitude for this day, can I assume you issues you sometimes have problems with? (I ask because I do too.)
I hope this day (yesterday) was a positive one for you, and I hope today is too.
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Thank you so much for the questions and for the recent follow! To answer question 1, I transitioned to work from home when the pandemic started in my last role as a manager. It was probably one of the toughest weeks I had ever worked – pure chaos during the transition. I went from going into the office every day for my entire working life, to home full time, overnight. I have since transitioned out of management and into a new company (after 15 years in the same company) and they are based at home. In many ways I’m grateful for it, but there was a huge impact to my sense of community. For question two, yes absolutely. I feel like in the past there have been these days where it can effect me for much longer and the things that happen or my reaction to them can stay on a loop in my head for the entire rest of the week. Maybe even staying there forever just piling on top of everything else. But since I’ve been working on myself its almost as if I can evaluate where I have improved and where I still have some work to do. But I’m not really being harsh with myself about it. I hope that answers the question. And thank you for being here!
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My typing was a mess and I didn’t clean it up before sending it on its way. [2. Judging from the analysis you gave of your altitude for this day, can I assume you issues you sometimes have problems with? (I ask because I do too.)] What I meant to say was: Judging from the analysis you gave of your attitude for this day, can I assume your issues give you problems sometimes?
Anyway, you did answer the question so thanks for being able to read the mess.
Life is a little harder these days since the start of COVID-19. Those of us trying to keep are sanity are things like journaling. It’s a good tool. Knowing someone is listening is always good too. You write beautiful so reading your blog is a joy.
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Thank you so much for the wonderful compliment- it completely made my day ❤ its so nice knowing I’m not alone. Also, I never journaled or wrote before COVID, but writing is like a necessity for me now. It has definitely changed things, it seems like we have adjusted in similar ways.
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