This week has been filled with forward movement for me. Not at a running speed, but methodically deciding what to accomplish as I have the energy. Thoughtfully giving myself an entire week to check the items off a to-do list. I feel lighter somehow, even though I still have so much I’d like to do for myself.
I’ve been working on getting my finances in order, now consolidating is real action I can take this week as I’ve set up the equity account. Although I am just moving debt around, it feels easier to swallow somehow. Less insurmountable. Like I’ll be able to chip away at the hole I’ve dug myself into. I’ve put a lot of thought into building writing into my routine, writing outside of here, outside of journaling. This is something that I want to do desperately. It is something I have to do slowly. But I’m starting to make progress with getting out of my way.
Then comes the not so fun things. I’ve been working with a broken washing machine for weeks. Even though I’m in massive amounts of debt, swiping my card for an outrageous amount for something I need still makes me sweat. I pulled the trigger on that this morning. It will be nice to be able to wash my clothes without having to monitor the spin cycle closely. I also set up a doctor appointment, who wants to do that?! Early next week I’ll be going in to hopefully learn how I can remove the scarlet letter from my name. Maybe get off this unnecessary blood pressure medication now that I’m clean off amphetamines (Adderall). I don’t think I need it. I also made an appointment for my car. It has been getting progressively louder for weeks. I think there’s something wrong with my muffler. It took everything inside me to not just go to the dealer and get a new one instead of just dealing with the problem. But I called and made an appointment. This is progress for me.
I feel organized, I feel as though I’m progressing. Not too quickly, at the right pace. I have enough time for relaxation. To read. To scroll mindlessly (I still have to work on that honestly). But if I’m being honest there is something always in the back of my mind. Something I don’t quite know how to resolve. Where can I find my tribe? How can I put myself out there to be around like-minded people? I feel that working on myself will lead me there. I’m trying to have patience. I’ve been slowly coming out of solitude after almost two full years. I’m around people at the gym. Where else can I go?
Sometimes I like to think of myself six months from now and where I want to be. About six months months ago I was dreaming about getting healthy. Quitting smoking, eating better, working out regularly. And here I am doing all of those things. So where do I want to be six months from now? Writing consistently. Having conversations with like-minded people. Meeting at least one person that makes me smile.
Will it come to fruition as long as I keep dreaming?
The Girl Without A Face 