Traveling always seems to bring a fresh perspective into my daily routine. When I return home I all of a sudden have more energy. I am looking at everything with a new set of eyes. I have a refreshed will to get things accomplished. The list of things that were bothering me last week now seem so far removed from my present reality. I resisted the disruption, but now that I’m on the other side of it I’m grateful it happened. I guess the same could be said for any growth in life. The things that make us uncomfortable are what we need to run to. The things we resist are actually what we need the most. Interesting to contemplate as I have a moment to relax in the comfort of my house.
Since I returned home yesterday, I accomplished a lot of things. I’ve been busy. I had a couple jewelry orders to mail, some work to be done. My son came home, and our conversation took precedence of course. I learned about the latest gossip at his school with friends, at least what he wanted to share. He let me know he was glad to be home. He hated the shower over there. He also said he couldn’t stand the small talk at his dad’s house, I’m sure his dad was just eager to try and build a connection in the two days he would be around him. I wish I could show him how. Show him that it can’t be done automatically, but it’s done through consistency and active listening. Anyways, I decided after relaxing for about an hour that it was time to finally take action on this nagging feeling I’ve had for weeks. It was time to open my laptop and continue to write my story. I started this in June, and then I never looked at it again. Just like I compiled about 60 poems, and then left them in a word document. It’s time to take some action. What’s the worst that can happen? But as soon as I opened my laptop my son came downstairs and asked me to watch a show with him. I normally would drop everything to do this with him, but last night it was important for me to say, “Hey, I just started writing. Do you mind if we watch in a half hour instead?” So I wrote. And then we watched our show. And I went to bed. And this morning I went to the gym and talked to my sister. Went grocery shopping, cleaned, brought my son to and from dancing. Did laundry. We have plans to go to the movies shortly, and so I decided to take this moment to write. Something I could never really do so freely just a couple of years ago. But now it is something that I love, and I can’t really explain why. Maybe because it’s an expression of myself. The only way I can really understand what’s going on inside.
If you’re wondering how this connects with my disruption of routine, let me get back on track for just a moment to explain. Just last week I had so much anger bubbling up, everything, every little thing, had me feeling enraged. I realized I was working through some repressed feelings, from being a single mom. From being on my own for so long. For grieving the time that I’ve lost where I didn’t even know myself. Or the times I was ashamed of who I was. But now I’m starting, just starting to embrace that. I know I have a lot of work to do. A lot of room to grow. But I can confidently say who I am now. What I love, what interests me. I am confident in my style. I feel so lucky that I love writing. New books excite me. I don’t rely on anyone to validate that I’m worthy. I’m finding myself, I’m loving myself, I’m enjoying my company.
The Girl Without A Face 