I won’t lie, yesterday was filled with many ups and downs. And if I’m being honest, a few more downs than ups. But I can try to spin them into positives. I can try to look at them like learning opportunities. I could make up excuses for my being emotionally irregulated yesterday, but it would be just that. Excuses. I have to take accountability. And quite frankly, I’m ashamed of my inability to just let things happen.
I suppose before I intellectualize my emotions, I should give some context. Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I was traveling, but not for fun, for work. I’m coming to meet a group of people I’ve never met before. That is very anxiety inducing for me (to say the least). Before August, I hadn’t been on a plane in about three years, since 2019, and I also had a full mental breakdown during that time as well (obviously you know this if you’ve read along so far). So I’ve been healing. I isolated myself for the better part of two years, and just recently, back in June, started getting out more by going to the gym every day. Before that, I would only leave the house once a week for groceries, and then sporadically with my son. I did drive to Ohio in February as a challenge to myself also. The point is, I work from home. I had a breakdown. I’m just now getting back into the world. So yesterday I flew. We were slightly delayed, which was fine. But then we were stuck on the tarmac prior to leaving and after landing. I turned on my phone and saw that my connection was on time. I also saw that the minutes were clicking by, and according to my ticket it was nine minutes until it was time to board. Thirty until take off. And I was still on the first plane. There was no one for me to talk to. I texted my one friend, but she wasn’t responsive. I started getting so incredibly anxious. Tapping my fingers. Shaking my leg. We finally got to the gate. Of course I’m in the back of the plane. Someone even further behind me is trying to sneak their way up. “No way”, I thought. I instantly stood up to establish my spot in front. It felt like everyone was moving through molasses after we exited the plane, so I started to try to walk past. I kept getting caught behind large back packs. I felt like I was fighting back tears. I also felt ridiculous. This girl just rushing alone while everyone else seems to be in their own little world. Calmly strolling. I saw my gate number, 89B. I didn’t have time to process whether or not I would make it. I also didn’t have it in me to full on run the 11 minutes through the airport. But I’m a fast walker. Anyways, it was quite the walk. The funny thing was, when I got there the plane was delayed by 20 minutes. If that hadn’t happened I would’ve missed my flight, but now we were just boarding. So everything is alright, right? We board the plane, then sit on the tarmac for quite some time again. We finally take off. I landed about an hour later than I should’ve. All in all not too bad. I get my rental car, the cashier was so sweet. The hotel concierge was just as polite. Things were looking up for me. I had a plan to go thrift shopping, just like my son and I always do. I didn’t have a lot of time, but I got to one store and somehow got 2 books and 3 shirts for $4. Really good, right?! But this is where it goes downhill for me. I had a plan. Go to another store, order dinner when I pull in, shop, get dinner, go back to the hotel, eat. The plan was great. The execution on the other hand, not so great. I drove into a bad part of town, I made several wrong turns, the store was not what I thought it would be, I ordered dinner but they never received my order. I ended up resorting to fast food and crying on the way back to the hotel while stuffing curly fries in my mouth and washing it down with a root beer. How’s that for a visual?!
Let’s just say, I let the bad outweigh the good. When I write about it now it all seems so irrelevant. I got some sleep, woke up really early this morning. Worked out to work off the greasy food. I have plenty of time to prepare for the day, which I am genuinely nervous for if I’m being honest. But last night my reaction was not warranted. Yes, I was tired. Yes, I has been traveling all day. Yes, I was looking forward to a steak but instead had to resort to fast food fries. But does that really warrant me bawling my eyes out? No. So I won’t lie, this morning, I’ve been kind of beating myself up a little. Why do I have these big reactions over little things? Why can’t I just let it be? Why can’t I just maybe miss the plane and then figure it out if it happens? Why do I get so upset and anxious? Quite frankly, I don’t think it’s something I can resolve overnight. I also don’t think it’s helpful to beat myself up over my big reactions either. I’ve been doing that my whole life. I don’t love the term mental illness, because that implies that I’m sick, that I’m not going to get better. That there is no hope for me. That I now have an excuse to act the way that I do. But the fact is not lost on me that I have mental health struggles and that is part of the problem. The thing is, I want a solution. I’m trying to figure out a way I can resolve it. I want to feel peace. I want to travel effortlessly. I want to feel confident in my uniqueness. I want to like being me. I think I’ve made a lot of strides, but sometimes I’m walking backwards on this journey.
The Girl Without A Face 