The Girl Without A Face

Well, it’s been a crazy week so far. It’s funny because sometimes I try to tell myself there is no reason I’m feeling the way I’m feeling, and then the reason presents itself. I can try to avoid the reality, but the reality still shows itself to me whether I want to admit it or not. This week I have to go way out of my comfort zone. I have to not only do something I’ve rarely done, but do it without the comfort of really anyone or anything. Traveling alone for work. With a new company. I’ve never met anyone I work with, this is the first time I’m traveling for this company. I’ve only worked here a few months.

In addition to that, there have only been a few times I’ve traveled alone. I met my friend Julie in California once, but flew there and back alone. I met my sister in NYC before, not even an hour flight for me. I did fly alone back from Italy, that was an adventure and I made it without any hiccups. These examples are all pre-pandemic. Pre breakdown. Pre “new me”. I only traveled for work once with my old company since it was based in my hometown, I won an award so I got to pick where I went. But I went where my mom lived so that trip doesn’t really count.

There are a few things I’ve thought about this morning as I rushed to finalize my packing after dropping off my son at school. Before heading off to drop the dog off. Before heading to the airport. I find it funny how non-chalantly this trip was mentioned by my boss, as if it’s no big deal to travel anywhere, anytime. I didn’t realize I’d have to travel outside of the once a year trip in July. And I was thinking how lucky I was that I traveled in August with my son to rip off the bandaid. I don’t know how I would feel if this was first time traveling on a plane since before 2020. It made me realize that some people were left fairly unaffected, and reminded me once again how much has changed for me. I also know that doing this alone is necessary, in many ways I’m very grateful this opportunity was presented. In other ways I’m extremely frustrated my daily routine has been disrupted. It’s as if no one even entertains the fact that for some people it would be extremely difficult to leave on a whim. How I had to create a word document with a detailed description of each action item for my sons father and his mother just so the rides would be completed in the two days of my absence. How I had to plan for a pet hotel that costs money. As well as the overnight parking at the airport, which of course also costs money. The fact that I have no emergency contacts I can rely on for my son to call in case anything goes wrong other than my one friend (which thank god at least I have that).

It’s good in some ways for there to be occasional space between my son and I, for my sons father to occasionally be forced to have responsibility. It is also extremely stressful for me. But it fits into the theme that I’ve been working through the past few weeks. As my son and I have been looking at colleges for him, and talking about possible after high school plans. I’ve realized that pretty soon I need to formulate a life for myself. And that life cannot rely on taking care of someone else. That my son will grow up, and that fact is inevitable, and coming soon. That he will sooner rather than later be driving himself to school, and dance, and art. That even though lately I’ve been frustrated, I also need to acknowledge that I am working through a loss. This has been my identity for the past 16 years. I’m his mom. That’s all I really have room for. I just recently started treating myself to things that I never would before. I just recently started to explore what my style is, what I like to read, listen to. I just recently started to genuinely take care of myself. I avoided doing that for a long time. Or maybe I was never taught how. Or maybe I was taught that taking care of me wasn’t important. Either way I’m preparing for the inevitability that my son will move on. Move out. I don’t know what my life will look like after that. But traveling alone, being alone, loving my company, knowing what I like, is so important to the foundation of my next steps in life. It’s very eye opening that I’m finally just doing this for the first time.