I wanted to write and focus on something positive yesterday, so when I had a moment to myself I reflected on the forward momentum at work and how exciting that felt. The funny thing is, that’s not a good reflection of how the rest of my night went. Or my week for that matter. This has been a week of really diving into what I am still holding onto from my past, what is still making me angry. What I need to let go of in order to move forward. Anger is a clear indication that something needs to be worked through in my opinion.
Back when I read through The Courage To Be Disliked (which I really highly recommend), the idea of the separation of tasks stuck with me. Oddly, especially with my son. It’s been extremely important to me throughout his whole life for me to make it as good as I possibly can, so if he says he wants something or wants to do something I will go to the ends of the earth to make that a reality. The problem with this is sometimes his communication isn’t the best, or I learn about something too late. Sometimes no matter how badly I want him to do something or have something, he’s going to be disappointed anyway. I’ve noticed recently that if this happens it feels like it’s me that is being disappointed, that my heart is broken, even if there was nothing more I could have done about it. Something like this would ruin my whole night. And it happened again yesterday, but I think by this morning I’m looking at it differently this time.
I had some errands to run after work, while I was waiting around I wrote yesterday’s blog post. Thursday night, my son had told me he wanted to go to the homecoming dance, this made me so happy since normally he just wants to stay in his room to draw. Last night he’d be going out with friends. Except yesterday morning, he approached me and asked if he could stay home from school. He said his allergies were acting up, I started to get that feeling in my stomach. I said ok, but I also told him to text his friends to figure out how to get a ticket to the dance. I had been so excited that he wanted to go. But hours passed, and I had been busy with work, he had been up in his room, and now I was out running errands alone. I had asked him, like I do every day, “What do you want for dinner”, and he replied back, but I decided to call him on my way home anyways. I asked him again about the dance. He said, “Well, I want to go”, I said, “Did someone get you a ticket”. They didn’t. So of course my brain starts to go wild trying to look for a solution. I call the school, of course they are closed. I don’t know what to do. I call my son back and I said, “Listen, you have one option. You go to the dance and if you can’t get in without a ticket I’ll come pick you up”. I was so frustrated. I got home and tried to ask him for an update, he said he just wasn’t going to go. That made me more upset. I had to go in the basement so I could cry properly. And then I just needed to lie in bed. I ordered food, what he had asked for. I ate my food in my room. I didn’t even go talk to him like I normally would until hours later. I was just exhausted. Normally, I would immediately try to fix it, try to make it better, try to resolve it, but now? Now I just wanted to sleep forever, I don’t have it in me to care like that anymore.
So right before bed, I went into my son’s room to say goodnight. I let him know to let me know as soon as he finds out about something he wants to do next time. That way, if there are steps that he needs to take, or questions that need to be asked, I can ask him and we can figure it out together. If it’s presented last minute there’s nothing I’ll be able to do and he’ll end up getting disappointed. More importantly, I let him know that I was sorry for being upset. That the only reason I was upset was because it’s so hard for me to see him not be able to do what he wants. I let him know that I’m going to let that go now, or at least try to. Because there are lessons in the learning that are valuable. That it’s ok to be disappointed sometimes because you can learn what to do differently for next time. I went back to my room and cried and cried and cried.
I know that healing this part of me, being able to allow my son to experience pain and disappointment without feeling like it’s my fault, is a huge milestone. His entire life, I’ve been so worried that he would have a childhood like mine. That for one minute, one day, he would feel as incredibly alone and scared as I felt. I’ve been terrified that he would have the same experience. As he gets older, I’m able to see what a typical teenager looks like. What an 11th grader that has parental support does. What it means to be a mom of someone that is about to graduate high school. How this weekend we are going to a college open house. These are things that were never done for me. I think this is why my brain and my body are finally allowing me to settle into the fact that I didn’t allow him to experience what I did. I’m doing it, I’m doing what I’m supposed to. I’m seeing for the first time what a parent should be. It’s healing and heartbreaking for me.
So as I went to sleep I put on an 8 hour deep guided meditation. This meditation was meant to release any negative energy in your subconscious and claimed that you would have the deepest rest possible. Soul level rest. It was just what I needed. I had dreams of meeting people from my past and seeing where they were now, smiling at them, wishing them well, and letting them go. I woke up and felt more rested than I ever have before. And now as I’m writing this I’m thinking, maybe this week, although difficult, was essential for my growth.
The Girl Without A Face 