The Girl Without A Face

As I’ve been leaning into my anger the past few days, I’ve been getting little tests here and there that gauge my level of repressed rage. I’d like to get to the point where it no longer exists within me, where nothing disturbs my peace. Where I do things when I feel like doing them, I’m never in a rush for anything. I think part of resetting is allowing myself to feel angry at the world, at specific scenarios from my past, at myself even. I think its a healthy and normal thing as long as I can move through it. As long as I recognize my progress. As long as I am moving toward non-attachment and acceptance I know I’m getting where I want to.

This week, along with bouts of feeling angry, I’ve also felt pretty tired. I’ve recognized that in myself. But more than that I’ve also had great conversations with my son about his struggles with having limited dating options as an openly gay teenager. I’ve been talking with my friend through her divorce. I’ve been talking with my sister as memories from childhood come up. I’ve been able to work, although I work from home and it is so much easier than what it could be, I still fulfill my duties to be able to put food on the table. My point is I can allow myself to feel through and recognize my anger, my feelings of loneliness and resentment, my feelings of not accomplishing what I want and allowing myself to be lazy without pressuring myself to accomplish more, I can do all of that with myself while also allocating time, space, and energy for the other things I’ve mentioned above. Lately, something that keeps popping up in my mind is getting out of fight or flight permanently and rewiring my nervous system to be in a relaxed state for the first time. Even last night, as my son and I were talking, I just had a flash of him and I in our first apartment, now 12 years ago. It felt like it was yesterday. I lived for so long in a rush and so booked up and stressed that it is taking a lot of time to not only be able to slow down, but to also release the emotions I never allowed myself to feel. Anger, grief, regret, sorrow. These are the emotions I’ve been processing through for the past two years. Allowing myself to process through them and not pressuring myself to do more is crucial. I really want to continue to add things to my routine, I know I can take on more. I know I want to accomplish things, I know I want to continue to grow. But I also feel like sometimes you just need to rest without judgement, without worry of what’s next. Sometimes you just have to let yourself be exhausted. Maybe adjust to the change in seasons. Understand that the energy will come back.

I used to have a very hard time with this. Every day I would want to accomplish as much as possible. I found that it was never enough. I could work out twice in one day, hang out with friends, clean, take my son somewhere fun, hit all of the points I should hit on paper to have the perfect day. Yet I would still feel unaccomplished at the end of it. I always wondered why that was. I think I’m starting to understand. It’s because life is a long game, but most of us are trying to sprint through it. So I’m trying to develop patience. Not just with myself, but with people, and with the world around me. Maybe that is what I will find on the other side of this part of the process. Wouldn’t it be nice to no longer have to be in a rush? To have balance and constant patience with myself as I move towards my next goal.