The Girl Without A Face

I’m noticing the good and the bad in the everyday lately. It’s as if I have those ups and downs more rapidly, maybe I’m just processing. There is a lot to do, things coming up. I’m still adjusting to the new school schedule, driving around a lot more than in the summer. I take my son to school every morning. I’m aware that pretty soon I’ll have to formulate a plan for him to learn to drive. I have to get my car fixed, the muffler is extremely loud all of a sudden. The check engine light is on. There is somehow water on the ceiling in my upstairs bathroom even though I’ve had my roof replaced within the last two years. My washing machine has been getting caught in the spin cycle. I have to travel for work next week. I have to somehow communicate to my son’s father and his mother what my sons schedule looks like for those two days. Each one of these things overwhelms me. More than that, if I’m honest, I am angry.

I’ll start by saying I’m not blaming my friend or trying to minimize her experiences. Like I’ve said, she is going through something. Every day for let’s say the past month when I go to the gym, which has also become my way to escape, I’ve had to listen to her vent about her problems while I stay quiet. Listening intently. She rarely, if ever, asks what’s going on with me, and can I blame her? She has something major going on in her life. How can I expect her to care about mine. When in reality for me it’s the same bullshit that just continues to build up over time. When I think about it, the truth of the matter is I’m angry that she has both of her parents here to support her. They’ve done so much for her, I got all the details yesterday. She has a cousin she speaks to, she feels comfortable sharing with her boss at work. Not me. I don’t express my needs to anyone. I have no one, not even her, to express how tired I am of doing everything on my own. How sad it is that I don’t have any family support. How hard it’s been to never have had that through all these years. But she can’t possibly understand what it’s been like from my perspective, how lonely and isolated I have felt. But the anger is bubbling up inside of me while I think of all the times I had to go to custody court all by myself. The time that my son’s father served me with court papers on mother’s day to try to get 50/50 custody because the child support amount went up by $15 automatically. I had to hire a lawyer by myself. The lawyer actually felt bad for me and didn’t charge me the full amount. I don’t think that my friend can fully comprehend the pain of dealing with that by myself. That right after he gave me those papers I had my son in the car, and I had to drive home from being served to go throw up in the bathroom before I fought through tears to smile for the rest of the day. It felt like I was kicked in the stomach emotionally. In addition to the trauma of that whole experience, there was the fact that my son was being abused at his fathers house before that, and we had to go to court three times in total to fight custody. The funny thing is after all that fighting he never even saw him consistently. The court experiences were over the course of 8 years, and if you’ve ever been to family court you know what a joke it is. I never once had someone there to support me and sit by my side for an appearance. I was in my early/mid 20s at the time.

My son is now 16 and there are still so many things I have to resolve on my own. I still have no support. But it’s easier to carry, I’m not in so much pain anymore. I’ve learned from experience what I can expect from people. Which is nothing. I’ve learned to keep to myself. I try to not share even my wins because someone usually has something negative to say about that as well.

I know the past few days I haven’t been so hopeful on here. Or so positive. To be honest, I’m feeling some anger. Maybe working through my resentments with the world. Why do some people have to walk alone and some people are surrounded with support? Am I defective? Will I ever find my people? I’m not asking to be the center of attention, hell, I’m not even asking to be able to share any of these burdens. I’m just asking for one person to have a mutual conversation with instead of me having to listen to them vent while I feign listening secretly jealous and angry inside for all the support they get. Thinking to myself how much easier it would be if I had a quarter of the support they had. I know, I know. Comparisons stealing my joy again. I just have to work through this. Maybe the anger at the lack of support? Maybe the anger to all those who sat back and watched me struggle all these years as a single mom is bubbling up?

This is what I mean by allowing the feelings to flow through you to get to the other side. I’m not pushing them down, I’m letting my anger get to the surface for the first time. This is the only way, to feel the painful things I’ve pushed aside for so long. The things I’ve been avoiding. I’ll trust the process and scream into my pillow surrounded in silence while my son is away at school. I have to somehow let the anger out. It’s been sitting inside of me for too long. I can’t be afraid of it, it’s a part of me after all.