I’ve been getting down on myself since Friday afternoon, and all morning I’ve been pondering this feeling. The feeling of not doing enough. The feeling of wasting time, being behind, not accomplishing something magnificent. I have these ideas in my head, I have goals I want to reach, but the past couple of days I have spent more time than I’d like to admit watching T.V. I rarely watch T.V. these days, but I do have a problem scrolling Tik Tok sometimes, I try to squash that by reading. Really, I’d like to be creating more than I’m consuming but it seems creating is what I’m putting off. Writing here each day holds me accountable, I really have no structure other than to write honestly about what comes up. Since I have no formal training in writing, and just discovered my love for it while healing, I figured writing here consistently would help me find my voice. But it’s the human condition to want more I suppose. To not feel good enough. Or maybe its just my condition. One I’d like to be free from.
Its funny that since Friday I’ve been a bit down on myself, I was so tired Friday afternoon, but let me walk you through what I’ve accomplished. I’ve gone to the gym Saturday and Sunday morning, brought my son to get his haircut, cleaned the house a bit, went grocery shopping. I picked up my pre-packaged “healthy macro” meals I’ll be trying, I closed on my home equity loan, I made it over halfway through my library book. Yet, still to me in the shower this morning I am so cruel to myself, beating myself up, “You have been so lazy, you’ll never accomplish what you want”. I grabbed that thought and sat with it, hold on just a second. In just the past three months I’ve started this blog, quit smoking, started exercising. I went on a vacation with my son that I planned with no help from anyone else with navigation. I’m getting a hold of my finances. I switched jobs after 15 years for God’s sake! Have a little patience!
The point is this is me re-parenting myself, this is what it looks like. Especially when I start to make positive headway, those negative voices become incredibly loud inside. I’m starting to think, “What would my Grandma say”, instead of my mom. My dad’s mom was the ideal example of unconditional love, I’m very thankful I have that to pull from. She was part of the Silent Generation, born in 1919. She passed away in 2012, and I think of her a lot. She would always say, “Everything in moderation”, which is nearly impossible with my addict mindset. But I’m starting to find balance, calm, patience with myself. I’m starting to replace the harsh negative voice of my mother with the calm, positive voice of my Grandma.
Its wonderful to have goals, but you can’t expect to get to the end without giving yourself stepping stones. That is what I’m learning myself. I’m trying to let things unfold naturally without trying to rush anything. I’m trying to accept that if I need rest then I need rest, and if I need to create then I need to create. That whatever is meant to happen will find me. Life’s just easier that way.
The Girl Without A Face 