This morning I got a text message from my one Uncle I speak with that he will not be attending the brunch we planned for my sons birthday weeks ago that was supposed to be tomorrow. This is something I bought tickets for, so now it will be just my son and I. Funny how it always seems to work out that way. He’s the only consistent person in my life. My Uncle is the only family that lives near enough to me that I speak with that I also see every once in awhile. During my healing process I’ve also had to do some healing work on my relationship with him and his wife, the way they placed obligations on me but also how our relationship was typically one sided. Filled with expectations and comparisons. Odd because he’s in his 50’s and was an adult watching me go through trauma after trauma. Through healing I’ve realized he’s still traumatized himself. I’ve also realized I don’t feel that obligation to live up to their expectations, our relationship has become the surface of support. The idea of love is there but it just doesn’t quite feel right anymore.
There are certain times of the year I can expect to hear from his wife for these obligatory get togethers. Christmas, Easter, my birthday, possibly my son’s birthday, and Thanksgiving. If my son has a recital or a performance they will try to make it as well, which is appreciated. Our relationship does not go deeper than this, no matter how badly I need it or want it to. I’m not sure why. I’m not sure if seeing my life pains them in any way. If the reality of his sister, my moms, failures can be seen in my eyes. If the fact that I am so uncomfortably alone makes them uncomfortable. Or if in truth, they just really don’t care about me that much at all. This reality hurts, but it’s a possibility I have to face could be true.
The reason I think this is because when I had my breakdown I needed someone. Some support. And at first, they invited me over more often. A couple times. For dinner on a couple random Sundays. But this quickly stopped, they went back to their lives. I realized the support they claim to offer was more out of obligation than genuine. That maybe the obligation was felt on both sides. Last year, as the holidays came around, I said no to Thanksgiving, but saw them the week before. I said I would celebrate Hanukkah (my Aunt is Jewish) but Christmas was off the table. I started to make my own rules. This disturbed the routine they had created.
So they reached out to me to schedule this brunch, one that my son would love. I bought the tickets, fit it into our schedule. Got the text that they were backing out. I felt the wave of disappointment flow through me. The familiar feeling of someone not following through with their word. But then I realized the holidays are coming, and I’m not obligated to do anything either.
I used to get so resentful at my family or friends if they said they were going to do something and then didn’t do it. I felt this way because I feel so strongly about following through on my word. But now I’m starting to change my mindset a bit. Maybe I’m becoming the villain I’ve always dreamed of. I don’t have to feel this sense of obligation. I can always change my mind. I can say yes, and then when it comes down to it I can change last minute if I like. I no longer care if I make anyone else upset, in fact I hope others can maybe start to reflect. I’ll only be doing what I want from now on with my time, energy, and commitments.
The Girl Without A Face 