I have another method to my healing, one that I haven’t used in months, that came up again this morning. It’s almost like when I investigate something that bothers me deep down inside it takes days, maybe even weeks, to understand the root of the emotion hiding behind my response to something. I think that’s why it also slightly bothers me when I say something to someone to plant a seed, but instead they immediately have an answer. They say they know exactly where this is coming from, or why they do that in that way. If we think we know all the answers no growth can take place. Curiosity is the key, as well as understanding that in the grand scheme of things we really know nothing. This is something I have to constantly remind myself of especially as I break the chains and see progress in myself.
So once I start to investigate a trigger, sometimes I will just ask questions. Something that has been bothering me for the past few weeks if you’ve been reading along is the dynamic between me and my friend I go to the gym with. It’s been very triggering for me. She cuts me off mid-sentence when I’m saying something I’m clearly passionate about, she stops listening sometimes when I’m discussing a topic that’s important to me, she goes in circles about the topic that she wants to talk about which is what she is currently going through. She’s handling things essentially in the opposite way that I would. I felt this unspoken obligation to meet her needs, to be an endless ear to listen for her when she wasn’t doing the same for me. She would randomly change the gym time and I would catch myself rushing to meet her where she was. If I was late, she wouldn’t wait for me in the parking lot. She would be inside, already starting her workout. As the days went on, my resentment towards her was building and building. I couldn’t put my finger on the word until this morning. Which is so interesting, because yesterday was the day I spoke my boundary. I said directly to her something that she did that bothered me. This was a huge step for me. So this morning it felt like my resentment was on the surface. The feeling I’ve been feeling the past few weeks was finally something that had a name. Something I could work with. When this happens, as it has with other emotions during my healing process, I Google the opposite of it to understand what my goal is. Contentment. Interesting. I went on to process further.
I let my sister know that I was processing through resentment this morning. She wanted the juicy details, the why’s and the who’s, but I told her those things didn’t matter. I’m not here to gossip, I’m here to be true to myself. And twice when I was processing, both alone and speaking into my phone to my sister, a quote came up in my head. One that has popped in my head before. “Comparison is the thief of joy”. So I looked it up again for a refresher.
I’ve been working on not complaining at all, on radical acceptance, accepting what is. It says that comparison (also resentment) can come up in place of outward complaining. I thought that to be so interesting. This was the reminder I needed to make myself feel better. It was not some new revelation, it’s something that has popped up before. I just needed a gentle reminder. I’m not here to compare my situation to others, to be upset that I’ve had to go through what I’ve had to go through, to not have a support system. Maybe it’s time to let that narrative go. Maybe it’s time to just accept the story fully. To reach contentment and accept the fact that this is how it turned out. Would I really want someone else’s shoes? I am grateful for all I have after all.
Maybe resentment came to the surface to remind me I’m only in competition with myself. That I only need to be the one who sees what I’ve accomplished. That it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or sees. It doesn’t matter what their interpretation of my story is. It doesn’t change the truth. The truth is mine in what I’ve experienced first hand. No one can take that away from me. I can let them misunderstand. Maybe it’s time to let go of the narrative that I have to fix, be perfect, be strong all the time, not speak my mind, always be palatable for everyone else, never cross anticipated lines. Maybe I just be me. And if you like it, great. If you don’t, fine. I’m really just too tired to continue to keep things inside.
So being true to myself all the time is the focus for me from now on. Whether that gives others what they need or not. I’m learning that actually isn’t my job. It’s my job to be there for myself so I don’t feel robbed.
The Girl Without A Face 