The Girl Without A Face

I’ve always had a hard time expressing how I truly feel about something, especially if my opinion is in direct conflict with what that person is saying. I am uncomfortable being the main character I guess you could say, but I am very well accustomed to being the best supporting actress. I am a master at shifting my reactions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, humor, to match the person I’m with. It’s not that I don’t know my own preferences. I feel the discomfort inside as I’m not being authentic, but on the outside I am leaving everything peaceful to the naked eye.

Well, since I’ve started healing, and now that I’m deep on my healing journey, I guess you could say that these characteristics about me are also fading away. The bad part about this is I’m extremely uncomfortable speaking authentically, or maybe people don’t expect this from me, or maybe I don’t expect this type of directness from myself. I’ll give an example so you can understand what I’m talking about. I’ve mentioned that my friend is going through something, I haven’t said what exactly, but it is a difficult thing. It is also something that I’ve never been through before. Just like my breakdown is something that she knows about, but something she cannot understand what it feels like to bounce back from. She also has no idea what it’s like to be a single mom. Or to not have a support system. We are the same in many ways, but also very different. We also handle things very differently too. And while I like to empathize, and sometimes I’ll bring up things I did to help myself cope during my darkest times, that is mine to talk about. Today, she made a not very well thought out joke that intertwined our experiences, both my breakdown and what she is now going through, and I instantly felt that twinge in my stomach. But instead of staying quiet I said something, and I wasn’t surprised that she instantly got defensive. “I didn’t mean it like that, I was just joking”, she said. But I didn’t let it go. “I just don’t like my trauma being talked about in that way. It’s mine to talk about, only I truly understand it. I deal with it differently than you would deal with yours”. Yes, I came off a bit harsh. We didn’t really speak after that. She left before me mad. I worked through feelings on my end. This is huge progress for me. Normally, I would never say if something bothered me, I would just work with the uncomfortable feelings and pretend to laugh at the bad jokes the person was making so they didn’t have to feel bad for making me feel this way. But today I didn’t do that. I said how I felt, because how I feel is valid. You know what else came up? My fear of abandonment. The narrative that this is why I have no friends. That I’m the problem. That no one will want to be around me now. That this is why I shouldn’t say anything. My mind even went as far as creating a scenario where she reached out to my mom (they have spoken before) to commiserate together on how awful I am as a person. That is how deep rooted this goes for me. That is what I believe will happen for simply stating something that bothers me.

Now, was my delivery the best? Absolutely not. After 3 hours had passed she reached out and apologized. But the apology also came with the calling out of my words being harsh, and the fact that I also hurt her feelings. I was expecting this. I said honestly, I know I can be harsh when I’m setting a boundary and I’m sorry. It’s because I have so much trouble doing this in the first place. It’s really ok, I’m not mad at all. All in all, things are fine now. I’m happy I’m starting to be true to myself. This is the hardest part of the work that I’ve done so far if I’m honest. My whole life has been spent being so wrapped up in anticipating if something that I say even might slightly trigger the person I’m speaking with, and if the answer is yes I will refrain from saying anything. I learned this from having to anticipate my mother’s needs since birth. But now I’m no longer anticipating anything. There’s no reason. If someone doesn’t like me, they absolutely have the right to feel that way. I no longer have the energy to put my feelings second anymore, and honestly even though its extremely uncomfortable it makes me proud that I finally have the courage to stand up for myself.