I love the idea of the mirror. The fact that everyone and everything that shows up in your life to irritate you is in fact there to teach you something about yourself. The trick is recognizing the pattern of your irritation, continue to ask yourself questions about the circumstance. Don’t cut yourself off from it, try to sit with it and understand why it’s effecting you. It’s taken me a lifetime to understand how to work with something that’s irritating my soul. At first I want to fix it so it goes away. But usually my advice or thoughts on how to resolve the scenario falls on deaf ears, so I still remain irritated as we spin in a circle of repeating the same scenario. Maybe the next phase is I get irritated, I say something I normally wouldn’t say. Maybe I cross a boundary. Maybe I get too involved. Maybe I take it home with me. Ok, well thats not going to work long term for my happiness is it? So phase three: abort mission completely. I want to run from the scenario completely. “I can’t have this negative energy in my life! I’ve worked so hard to get here”, I tell myself. But something, some small voice in the back of my mind tells me that still isn’t the answer I’m looking for either. So last night I asked for clarity. Please help understand what I need to learn from this scenario. And then the idea of the mirror showed up. And now it all makes sense. Here we go.
So, my friend is going through something. This is a major life event, I won’t take that away from her. Its a valid reason to be upset, anxious, nervous about what’s next. We’ve been talking about this off and on for the past six or so months, but in the last month its escalated. The last two weeks it’s actually coming to fruition, this major life change. And it’s much needed, a long time coming, but of course that doesn’t make it easy. There are things I can identify in her that I would never say out loud, things that she’ll have to work out on her own. Things like how dependent she is on other people to get her through this, when in reality all she needs is herself. The thing is, and what I have to realize is, I think there was some jealousy there on my end. That she’s going through this major life event and she has me every day, both of her parents whom she’s now living with for as long as she needs rent free, a cousin she talks to constantly. When I needed support, genuinely needed support, no one was there but my son. I’ll never forget that, and something like that changes you. Learning how to be there for yourself completely during your darkest times and making it out on the other side still with no one else there but you cheering you on every day is something that no one can ever take away from me. But what my irritation is showing me (I believe) is the fact that somewhere deep and buried I craved the support she’s receiving so badly. That doesn’t make me weak, it makes me human. It makes me angry with her that she pulled away from me when I needed her, but now has this expectation that I’ll be her therapist when I’m trying to push myself at the gym. I feel her weighing me down and she complains every single second.
This may sound rude, I may sound insensitive, but when I felt like I couldn’t breathe everyone left. When I said I didn’t want to live anymore no one took me seriously. When I cried every single day, no one listened to the reasons I was in pain. I had to listen to myself. I became my own best friend. I wrote, and I wrote, and I wrote. I learned so much during that time. I guess the thing I’m trying to say is I refuse to enable her “poor me” behavior. She’s making this choice to better herself, her mindset is what is making everything difficult. I know this because I’ve been there. I’ve been her. I’ve had the mindset that I couldn’t move anymore. Now, I have the mindset of endless possibilities.
The point is, I started to get angry and irritated for many reasons. I can feel her draining me when the gym is supposed to be my escape. I’m irritated that instead of being grateful for what she has, she’s focusing on every negative thing. I’m irritated that I’ve told her to journal like a broken record for the past 3 weeks, and she still hasn’t once picked up a pen. I’m irritated that I have to hear about every little minute detail of what she has going on, but she has no clue what I’m doing. But most of all, if I’m being completely and 100% honest with myself, I’m irritated with her because she’s acting exactly how I used to before my breakdown. It’s bothering me because I see myself in her and I don’t like what I see. I have to admit that this is the kind of friend I used to be. That maybe I wasn’t capable of being the friend I wanted to be to others, or the friend I thought I was. Even though I tried my hardest, my demons ran the show. So instead of getting irritated or letting it bother me from now on I will be gentle with my response. I won’t take it on or try to fix it, but I know exactly where it’s coming from. I know how she feels inside, or at least an idea of what it must be like. I have to forgive myself for showing up in the world as not the best version of myself. For maybe coming off as self-consumed, when in reality I was struggling so badly inside.
The Girl Without A Face 