In the spirit of getting my life together this week, or that cringe-worthy saying assigned to us millenials, “adulting” has been something I’m conquering. Obviously, I’m a 35 year old who somehow bought a house and raised a son (who just turned 16) on my own. I’ve adulted on some level. But in survival mode. Using unhealthy coping mechanisms. Which resulted in addictions and really unhealthy habits. One of those being my relationship with food.
Im sure every woman on the planet can relate in some way to some type of complications with their body as it relates to the food they eat. I’ve been working on this alongside everything else for the past two years. My eating habits, along with my quitting smoking for good, had to come secondary to the deep emotional healing work. But now it’s time for me to heal my relationship with my body too. Mind, body, and soul health is crucial for overall peace. Which means overall happiness. And what I’ve learned is that I like to avoid things that I don’t fully understand (take my mountains of revolving debt for example that I’m now learning I can more easily resolve with a Home Equity Line of Credit).
My issues with food started as early as I could remember. I remember being shamed for eating things I wanted in the cupboard if someone saw me, yet being forced to sit at the dinner table if I didn’t finish my meal because I didn’t like it. When I was alone I would sneak spoonfuls of sugar because it tasted good and I didn’t understand what it was or why it tasted good, I just knew that I liked it. I also knew on some level it was wrong and I had to hide the fact that I did this. When I was an adolescent, I also danced competitively. I learned from my fellow classmates about not eating or throwing up in the bathroom after a meal to stay skinny. I was maybe 11 at the time. This sounded intriguing since at home I was constantly told that I was gaining weight, I had baby fat, don’t worry I’d lose it soon, don’t eat too much of that, etc, by my sister and my mom. By the time I was a teenager restricting my food seemed like a no brainer. And it was easy at the time. I was always under 100 pounds.
But then I got pregnant, and all I had was food. I couldn’t smoke, I couldn’t drink. I had no friends. No family supported my decision. Food loved me. So I ate. And ate, and ate. I gained 55 pounds. The doctor even told me to stop gaining. I remember feeling so ashamed. I had my son right after my 19th bithday, immediately I started my quest to lose weight obsessively. And so came my ups and downs. At one point I even tried out bulimia (I was unsuccessful, it only lasted one day). Restricting was much easier for me. I would cut out “bad” foods all together, and then have periods of time where I didn’t care at all and all the weight I lost would come back rapidly. My mom would praise me when I was “skinny”, make comments when I was “fat”. I felt out of control always, anxiety would rise every time I would start to feel hungry.
There were a couple times where I almost passed out from low blood sugar. I would work out too much and not eat enough. I would get home and I could tell it was about to happen because my heart rate would slow down dramatically. I’d try to get up and walk to the bathroom, I’d get cold and clammy. I’d have to sit down and ask my son to bring me juice or candy and I would be instantly be fine again. Then I developed a fear that I would pass out and I started having to eat almost compulsively. I found adderrall to try to counteract this. My mental breakdown depicts how well that turned out in the end.
Anyways, for the past few months, I’ve been able to get back on a regular and healthy workout routine. I won’t lie and say I haven’t had thoughts of going to extremes. But now I feel it’s time to get help with my eating. I enlisted outside help today, I’m lucky enough to have the resources to do that. I’m extremely grateful that I have the ability to go somewhere and get pre-prepped healthy meals for myself. To be able to talk to someone about my struggles with food, form new and long lasting healthy habits. I know that I am incredibly blessed to be able to do this, this is not something that everyone can do.
What I’ve noticed while trying to find healthy foods, understand complete meals, how to properly feed myself well, is that it’s just like learning about my financial health. It’s not easy, it’s something that I’ve avoided for a long time. It’s something that I’ve tried to figure out in my own way, and failed many, many times. I’m realizing that it’s ok to research and reach out for help. That it can be a little scary sometimes to face yourself. But also, I’m the only one who is capable of making these changes without any excuses. I have the power to make small slow improvements. I’m the only one capable of making changes for myself.
The Girl Without A Face 