The truth of the matter is you have to be your own biggest fan, loudest cheerleader, kindest friend, best listener. You have to know yourself better than anyone else. The trouble is many of us get stuck looking for wholeness outside of ourselves. I was guilty of this for years of course, and mixed in with my formerly desperate need to surround myself with people I also learned to abandon my wants and needs. People pleasing I believe this is called. I learned this very, very early on and was praised for it when I would do it at home. When I would not express my emotions, or anything that I wanted. I learned quickly that if I did express the desperate want for something my mom had no problem telling me no. I learned over time through my childhood that asking for something or expressing my wants, needs, or boundaries either had to be said aggressively or they would not be met by someone else. This has become very complex as an adult as you can imagine.
The thing is, I’ve learned a lot over these past years, but one of the things that goes along with this idea is the truth that nobody cares. God, I love A Bronx Tale. Anyways, I don’t mean that in a depressive way, but I mean that in a realistic way. It is impossible for anyone else to care about your reality as much as you. I mean you’re the one that’s in it 24/7 if you think about it. The only way someone could possibly care as much as you would be if they followed you around like a shadow so you could express every thought out loud, them having no thoughts of their own. The point is, when you think about the idea that nobody cares about how you feel as much as you, yet there is such a thing as “people pleasing”, it seems a bit ridiculous doesn’t it? It’s a game you’re always going to lose. It’ll never be enough no matter how much you give, and in the process you’ll lose yourself.
I think that idea covers extreme people pleasing, but what about the remnants? The little habits that are left over after a lifetime of staying quiet, smiling. Letting the other person dictate the time and place. Perfecting the skill of adjusting to the chaos if they change things last minute. Still remain accommodating. These are qualities that are so engrained in me. It goes back to a post I shared not too long ago about blind loyalty. How it’s so important to me. How your word means everything. But today I got to wondering, is that how I really feel or is that just something that was forced onto me? Am I really a bad person if I wake up and decide that I want to go to the gym alone instead of with my friend? Am I a bad person if I tell her to go without me because I don’t feel like rushing? Is it bad that my oldest friend reached out to me looking for sympathy but instead she got my true feelings? How I feel quitting drinking is her path to start healing? Well, let’s just say not being a people pleaser isn’t really what makes you likable. I don’t think ill see that one friend on Saturday, but that’s ok with me. The point is I’m noticing when I’m feeling like someone is rushing me, or when I feel like they are constantly complaining and its draining my energy. I’m noticing it and I’m not trying to fix it. In fact, I’m trying to remove myself from it. It feels toxic to me, whereas it used to feel like my job. Something I was drawn to. A magnet to negative energy.
I still have little things I do, almost on auto-pilot, where I automatically accommodate the other person even though its not exactly what I want. Then I resent them for it. But I’ve made a lot of progress. I don’t just smile and stay quiet. I don’t always keep everything inside, although I still do sometimes. I’m recognizing how I feel, and it matters to me. More than anyone else’s feelings. It feels good to know I’m getting used to putting me first most of the time.
The Girl Without A Face 