I’m still in the process of “getting my shit together” today, not that things were necessarily falling apart around me. No, I know what that feels like thank you very much. Sometimes I get waves of remembering when it was difficult to get off the couch. For days at a time. When opening a piece of mail seemed overwhelming. Anything and everything seemed like a lot. It was hard to breathe. I was exhausted waking up. The rebuilding has been transformative to say the least, I quite literally cannot tolerate the same things as I did before. I’m relearning how to live life quite frankly. Maybe growing up for the first time. Turning off survival mode.
Whenever my friend tells me she has to now “start from scratch” I tell her, “no, you are starting from experience”. This is kind of what that feels like. Just about two years ago I died. But then again I’m still alive. I’m just nothing like the person I was. If we met we’d be like two strangers in a room crossing paths for the first time.
Anyways, sometimes I like to take inventory of what I’m working on. The themes for the week. Surrendering is a big one for me lately. This might sound a little off the wall, a little crazy to some, but over the course of the past two years I’ve really strengthened my belief that life is just a game. And I intend to play it in that way. That maybe if I play it with ease and intention and joy and curiosity there is no way I will lose in the end. I see confirmation come up in my day to day to let me know I’m on the right track. I used to believe in manifestation. The idea that I could ask for something specific and if I focused on it enough I’d get it. But now I’m starting to believe in the opposite. In surrendering to the control of wanting for anything. Of needing anything other than what I already have. This doesn’t mean I can’t dream anymore, or that I don’t want anything suddenly. It’s a practice like anything else. The point is if I focus on something I want so intently whether that’s the love of my life or more money or another vacation or to be debt free – I’m starting to believe that me obsessing over my desire for something is actually driving it away. And furthermore, my resistance to something whether that is to continue to be single, to feel alone, to be scared I’ll fail at this new job, to wonder why I’ve been working out for two months yet haven’t lost a freaking pound – maybe my resistance to those things, me feverishly pushing them away, is actually drawing them in. Both attempting to pull or push is my attempt at controlling my reality is what I’m saying.
Now with that being said, I am not becoming a proponent for inaction. We have to be the ones that co-create with the universe here. If we do nothing, nothing will happen. But what about the idea of surrendering. What if I just knew I’d be ok, I’d somehow make it out of debt. What if I knew I’d find the love of my life and just left it at that. What if I accepted that this job came along my path because it was meant for me, and because it’s meant for me it will work out perfectly. What if I trusted that the right people would cross my path and the wrong people would naturally leave? What if I just believed? What if I just enjoyed the moment. The day. Didn’t force myself to do more, didn’t beat myself up if I wanted to relax for hours, didn’t obsessively step on the scale. What if I acted based on how I felt all of the time. Like Walt Whitman said, “Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss whatever insults your soul”. Or something like that. Maybe it really is that simple. Maybe we are the ones who make it hard on ourselves.
The Girl Without A Face 