I feel that I’ve shared this on here, but if I haven’t said it yet I will now. When I think of my future, what I’m working towards, sure there are things I’d like to do. Things I’d like to accomplish. But above all else there is one thing that encompasses everything. I want freedom. It’s what I’m seeking.
This started with freedom in my time, my energy. My space, my mind, my thoughts. Freedom is in feeling at peace with yourself. Letting go of the past. Freedom in knowing what you want and going after it, doing what you want, when you want. Knowing what you love. Saying no to what your soul rejects. That’s freedom. Freedom in not caring what other people think, not seeking outside validation. Unapologetically following your unconventional dreams. Even if your family hates it. Thats freedom. Freedom to feel healthy inside and out as well, to take care of yourself. To build stamina and actually enjoy physical activity. To not do it just for compliments. To figure out how to properly nourish your body. Freedom. But one thing I started to tackle today, one thing I like to ignore personally, my finances. Its time to recover from carrying this debt around my whole adult life. It’s time to figure out how to consolidate. To make healthy and well-informed choices financially. It’s something I’ve been ignoring. “I don’t care about this debt”, I’ve told myself time and time again. Even though it’s like a weight that subconsciously holds me down. I’m ready to be free from it.
I’m very weird about money, I actually have enough in my accounts to pay off my debt right now, but I refuse to. Because then I would be broke. And that sounds even more suffocating to me. The reason I got into debt in the first place was because I was a single teen mom with a low paying full time job and it was either go into debt while working two jobs and live in an “ok” area, or work two jobs and probably go into debt anyways and live in a terrible area. “Mommy and Daddy” didn’t pay for anything for me. So credit cards became my support I suppose. The trap that banks rely on. It kept us afloat. Not even that, on the surface you’d never even know I was in this kind of debt. I don’t let it effect me, I have actual cash. I pay over the minimum payments every month without ever making a dent. Its like a second mortgage, one I seemingly will never pay off. So today I decided it was time to try something else.
I was so incredibly lucky that I bought a house in 2018. I was terrified to do this actually, I used everything I had saved in my 401k. But I knew I had to. The apartments we were in were not safe. My car had been broken into, my ex was leaving messages, moving my patio furniture. Other people were approaching my door. I was so scared to be alone there. We had to get out. So we somehow found the perfect house, that story is a miracle in itself. This house wasn’t even on the market, but it’s in the exact neighborhood I wanted to be in. Anyways, this morning I started in with my research.
I started with writing all the numbers down. Knowing how much I’m paying a month without any progress is enough confirmation for me to know I’m doing the right thing. I start with applying for personal loans. Instantly a million calls come through. I answer one. I ask the girl a ton of questions, but let her know I’m just getting started. I apply some more. The next approval comes through, now I have another option. An unsecured loan or a secured loan. Of course someone calls me instantly so I ask them to explain to me the difference. “A secured loan uses something like your house as collateral”. “Yikes”, I thought. This is getting serious. I go back to the drawing board for a few minutes to collect my thoughts. I run a few numbers, look at the difference in interest, I go back to looking at unsecured loans because the thought of using my house as collateral gives me the heebie jeebies. I find a loan that seems ok, 4 years long, a semi-decent interest rate (I think). But I hesitate. Wait, let me check the interest rates on all my credit cards. So I take the average of those. My highest balance card actually has a lower interest rate than the loan. Ugh, what am I doing. Let me just open Tik Tok and be done. Can you tell work is slow this week? Anyways, back to the drawing board, aka Google. “What is better, an unsecured loan or a secured loan?” To my surprise, a third option pops up. A Home Equity Line of Credit. Hm. Would I qualify for one of those?! It sounds like a decent option. Let’s see. I go to apply and my phone BLOWS up with calls. I answer the first one that comes through, a really nice girl. I tell her what I’m looking to do. All I want is to pay off my credit cards, consolidate my debt, potentially have a lower monthly payment than I have now, would love a lower interest rate! I’ve been at this for almost 4 hours. She seems great, she’s going to whip something up, will call me back. I’m relieved, I ignore the 20 calls that come through as I wait for her number to pop up on my screen.
She calls back about a half hour later, and to my surprise she has gone through the process of what it would look like to refinance my entire mortgage to include my credit card debt. Was that what I asked for? I had a lot of questions about this, yet she acted like I was the one who just didn’t understand. Lucky for me I’m in sales and know what she’s doing.
So I get off the phone, frustrated, I decide to take a walk. I come back, ready to start over again to see if I can get this going. I’ve been at this all day. The thing that is mind boggling is it really shouldn’t be this hard to get some help with your finances. But it is. You really have to be savvy. You have to understand that all these vultures that are calling you are not your friend. They too are just trying to make money. Is this a problem everywhere? Just America? Is it just me? This is why I’ve avoided it for so long. You have to fight off all the people that are trying to convince you to make the wrong decision to benefit them. Unfortunately, I don’t believe it’s common to be taught financial literacy, I know I wasn’t. Not in school, not by my parents. Although, I’m fluent in trauma responses.
The truth is I like to avoid money but I can’t avoid it any longer. Freedom has many facets. Unfortunately, financial health is one of them.
The Girl Without A Face 