Something very interesting happened between yesterday and today, and because I believe in what I believe I know I’m working through something. Maybe this is the work I need to be doing. Trusting other people. Acknowledging how I feel and acting accordingly. Realizing they won’t leave when I set a boundary. That maybe just maybe my setting a boundary will have them take inventory. Being very observant on the tasks that are mine. Forcing myself to let go of the responsibility of the happiness of others. The control of wanting them to do things as I would do them, or observing them making a perceived “mistake” but being able to silently support them through it without throwing my opinion into the mix. I guess I’m figuring out what friendship is. At least what it means to me. First, I’m always ensuring my best friend is taken care of (aka me). Then I offer support if I can, encouraging words. Suggestions of things that helped me through my hardest times. The thing is someone can choose to apply that information or they can choose to not. That is where my burden stops. And my responsibility is to be ok with that. To love them anyways. To still look at them with no judgement. That is what I am still working on to be honest. I’m not perfect. I’ve never claimed that I was. I still have triggers. I still have to get curious every day. I still have to push myself, my boundaries, my limitations. I’m still wondering what I really want.
I never in a million years would have guessed the panic attack induced by the thought of seeing my abusive ex would have happened the other day. I thought I was past that. There were a few moments of beating myself up for it ill be honest, but its been heavy on my mind since. I’ve been listening to that song “Silence” on repeat. Another odd thing happened last night, one of my oldest friends reached out to me. We haven’t spoken in months. Unfortunately, she’s lost in addiction. Not heroin like it used to be, but alcohol. Every day. The way she views herself is heartbreaking. I don’t think she thought she’d make it past 30.
It was so interesting that she reached out because when I had my panic attack, afterwards all I could think was, “Only she would understand”. She had it worse than me with the beatings she experienced. Her ex almost killed her many times, he even bought a gun and was arrested for it. He would lock her in a room for days, doing unimaginable things. Force her to do drugs. That’s how she got addicted in the first place. We went from being best friends to strangers, but a few times she called me trying to escape. I would meet her on the side of the road to pick her up. Bruises on her face. One time she left and it was for good, I let her stay this time with me and my son because she was clean off drugs. We had to go to the police because he was threatening all our lives. She got a restraining order, even I was scared of him at the time. She ended up moving away to another state. The PTSD got so bad she couldn’t leave her house otherwise. She moved back here recently. Only because she found out he overdosed and died.
So she texted me last night for the first time in a long time. Asked me how things were going, I said “good!” She’s still struggling unfortunately. I told her what happened to me the other day, that I thought of her, how only she would understand. How I was so mad that that happened to me. Its been 5 years since I left. Since he had me cornered. Since I watched his eyes turn black. And what she said surprised me, she said since her ex died, within the last year, she’s “seen” him everywhere. That those panic attacks happen to her all the time. Even though he’s not even alive anymore. That’s how irrational the fear is.
I thought that was such interesting insight into what it’s like to have PTSD. It’s irrational. It comes to you without warning. All you can do is allow it, be kind to yourself. I told her that as well. We have plans to get together next Saturday. God, I wish she would get some help.
The thing is we can love people, feel terrible for the things they’ve gone through. My heart breaks for my friend, it was broken for years. I would always be willing to drop everything for her in the past, but the problem is I can’t do that anymore. I can cheer her on from the sidelines, but I have to put me first. The same goes for my friend I see every day, she really is like a sister to me. And sometimes sisters get on your nerves. That is ok! I put out positivity, and today she opened up. Said how much she appreciates going to the gym. She’s going through stuff as well. We all are. Everyone in the world. Every individual has the right to put themselves first. You can care, but not at the expense of yourself. I guess thats what I’m learning. It’s ok to love people where they are, I don’t have to carry their burdens with me anymore.
The Girl Without A Face 