Its no secret that I spend a lot of time alone, I’ve written about it even on here recently. My on again, off again struggles with loneliness. Me trying to put myself out there again. It’s interesting, because I’ve noticed some things about people lately that have me wondering if I even want to be around them. I suppose I would say that instead of me feeling like I need to be around them more, I actually find that I need a break from their presence. I’m not saying this about everyone, all the time. Maybe me saying this makes me the problem, maybe me loving my alone time more than the company of others is a red flag. But honestly lately it feels like a job to be around my friend every day. Let me explain.
I’ve written on here before that we started going to the gym together almost every day. I’ve even talked about how one person can’t possibly understand you fully, how she knows a lot but not everything of what I’m feeling. I could go on and on but what it comes down to is she has her faults like everyone else. Am I saying I’m perfect? No. But there are things that I’m noticing lately that I actively have to silently reject in the moment so they don’t bring me down. One thing I’ve noticed lately is she is constantly complaining. I’ve actually taken note of this the past three days. I’ve received a text every one of those days with something along the lines of, “This day is so long”, or, “This day is awful”. We’ll get to the gym and I’m trying to zone in and she’ll be in her head. Looking around or telling herself she can’t. I tell her she can. She’ll say she’s too hot, the gym is too hot, she’s uncomfortable, dizzy. Every day we have a plan and every day she wants to cut our workout short. Quite honestly, it’s exhausting.
What’s even more interesting is the opposite is happening for me. I’m feeling stronger and stronger every single day. I’m pushing myself. I catch myself if I complain. I try not to most days. I’m grateful for everything. I’m grateful for my newly found slow pace of living. I’m grateful my son is healthy. I’m grateful my mind feels clear. I’m grateful my body is feeling stronger and stronger every day. I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I’m proud of where I’m going. I’m enjoying my journey.
Today I went alone, she was busy. So I went on my own time after my morning cup of coffee. I did my run, then went on the elliptical. I even made it in the weight room by myself. No one else was in there. I felt so strong today. I left and went to do a few errands, got my favorite smoothie. I pulled in my driveway and thought how nice it was to not have to fight off the complaining. I was doing nothing but motivating myself in my head, telling myself “good job”. Feeling accomplished with everything I did. Grateful that I’m able to treat myself. My friend could feel this way too, it’s really a simple mindset shift. The trouble is you first have to face yourself. That can be one of the hardest things.
It also takes time. I took the time to do it, and I still am. But I’m seeing my work pay off, I’m focused on self acceptance and discipline. One step at a time as they say. Yeah, that’s what I believe in. Right now, my friend is stuck in the loop of fear and self doubt. This comes out as complaining. The thing is I can see it and observe it, but I refuse to absorb it. The trouble is the saying “misery loves company” exists for a reason. My boundary is I will not feed into the complaining and I will only speak positively because that’s where I am right now. If that is not what my friend wants to be around it could very well effect our relationship.
The funny thing is I used to care so much about keeping another person around that I didn’t care at all how I felt. I would have never in the past even acknowledged it. No, in the past I would just mirror them. Meet them perfectly where they were at. If they were complaining so was I. If they were positive, well me too. It didn’t matter how I felt inside. I had been doing this all my life. Until I healed myself over the past two years. Now I refuse to abandon myself to appease someone else. I wonder what effect that will have? Maybe healing comes with a price. Maybe I really am destined to be my only friend in this life.
The Girl Without A Face 