The Girl Without A Face

I used to hate winter. I would dread the days to come that would include freezing weather. The possibility of two feet of snow. My family moved away to warmer weather and liked to tell me how much better it was, especially during the winter months, which made me hate it more. For years I lived like this, dreading a whole season before it had even happened.

As my son started to get older, and he began school, I would always get extremely stressed during the transition. From summer to fall, so many things to remember, years ago I purchased a white board that still hangs in the kitchen. Did I remember all the supplies? Will he be ok on his first day? Does he know how to get in the lunch line? Will we make it everywhere on time? Time, that was especially difficult when I was still driving to and from work every day. I always seemed to be caught in traffic, always rushing from one thing to the next.

I think something a lot of us forget in the moment is how our circumstances can change. Our whole lives can be different if we choose to make changes today. And yes, some changes are partially forced on us sometimes, but I suppose it’s always you as the individual who gets to choose to open your eyes. To ask yourself, “What do I want from life”, or, “What do I like”? Surprisingly, asking yourself these questions every day and taking small steps in the direction of the things you enjoy doing can do wonders for your psyche.

I wish I started this practice earlier, when my son was younger. I wish I learned that the struggle was a choice instead of a badge of honor. But I wore it like one for many years, until we got the word like everyone else (except Healthcare workers and a few others) that we had to work from home. Boy, how my world opened up. It’s taken me years to calm down from where I was. Over a decade of racing my life away. I’m convinced now upon reflection I was running to an early grave.

I had formed an adderrall habit to get me through my day to day. I didnt know how to sit still. I thought the more I piled on the more worthy I was. Until of course we were home and everything came crashing down. Or did it? See, this morning as I was putting together a custom jewelry order for 8 pairs of earrings (and a free pair I created as a surprise for the woman I’ve been working with) I got to thinking about how cool it is that I made it here. I started looking at myself as an observer as I sometimes try to do, and instead of looking at myself from the perspective of my breakdown, I looked at it more like a breakthrough. I’ve said it before here, but I was never able to write before. I would stare at a blank page, my thoughts running wild. Now I’m able to write to you every day. I have countless journals filled. So many poems written. A notes app on my phone. My mind blank. I used to crave creativity, but tell myself I wasn’t capable. I didn’t have it in me. I wasn’t talented. Then I started making jewelry, I didn’t tell anyone. I worked on it every night, now its my form of meditation two years later. Do I sell a ton of it? No. Am I multi-million dollar business? No. But that’s not the point. I’m doing what I love. Following your heart takes time.

I just recently, within the last year, started to accept all of the seasons as they come. I’ve started appreciating the holidays again. Made my own traditions with my son. I allow myself to dream of the possibilities of what’s next for me, but I try not to get stuck. I’m trying to create the life of my dreams. One I don’t have to escape from.