The Girl Without A Face

Today is my first day back at work, back in a routine, back from a vacation from the mundane. It’s funny because before I left I was hesitant to leave my routine. I loved what I created, I was comfortable in my day to day. But this trip did something to me. It got me dreaming about my future again in a weird way. It allowed me to see just how small I’ve been living. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, though. There’s something to be said for consistency. There is also something to be said for adventure. I guess all I know is that this trip opened something in me that had been closed for awhile. And I think its a good thing. It’s the trust in myself to accomplish my dreams. It’s the ability to go out of my routine. To bend the rules. To live. To be adventurous. To live not for the future or the past, but in this moment.

There are still times where I have flashbacks to where I’ve been. Not even so much in my past, but just in the last couple of years. Where I’ve had to mentally work through things, I can see how much I’ve healed. How much I’ve grown. How much I’ve let go. Yesterday was officially my son’s birthday, so of course a few people reached out. My dad had called in the afternoon and left a message. My sister texted me and him. My mom said nothing to me of course, I’m still getting the silent treatment. But something odd has come over me. I don’t really want to respond. I don’t feel the obligation. Especially towards my dad. I’ve been thinking a lot about how little effort they put towards our relationship, both my parents just as guilty as the other. They’ve spent years pointing fingers, both of them the perfect example of childish behavior. I thought back to my desire to fade away, and maybe that has nothing to do with the world itself, but maybe I’ve been in the process of removing myself from this toxic family unit I was once a part of. Completely. I’ve made my amends, I’ve spoken calmly to them. I’ve showed what kind of person I am. I don’t necessarily feel any sense of obligation. The one where you are forced to call on birthdays just to say you did.

Of course I still do, I pre-ordered flowers for my mom today. Her birthday is a week away. I just want to check this off my list. I used to send her thoughtful care packages. Filled with things I thought she would love. Now I put zero thought into it. I click a few buttons and I’m done. I’d like to be fully relieved of these duties, but somehow there are still a few strings. Connecting me. I’ll probably call my dad back today. I’m sure he’s not happy the call didn’t come yesterday. But that’s the thing I guess I’m trying to prove maybe. There is no longer a control over me or my emotions. I’ve already grieved the loss of them more than once.

So today as I log back in to work I begin silently dreaming about my future. I don’t tell anyone about my trip, except those of you who read this blog of course. But no one’s asked either. Sure, I’ve given a few details here and there, but if I’ve learned nothing over the past couple of years it’s that everyone is concerned with their own lives. So I smile as I think about how I will unapologetically live mine. I don’t really know exactly where I’m going to move. I’m still learning everything I like. I’m figuring out still what I want to do with my life (even though I’m already 35). I’m not living for everyone else. I’m not living for the likes. I’ve accomplished the feeling of living for me, and it feels priceless inside.