My friend and I have been going to the gym now for a decent amount of time. Since the end of June, consistently, with one day off a week. It’s my way of leaving the house everyday, getting back into the world. It’s also a way to possibly interact with people. While I was away on vacation she went alone, and when I came back a “gym crush” had formed. My first day back she pointed him out, had me casually glance over in his direction. The second day back, we were talking by her car and low and behold he started walking towards us. We both acted like school girls. I wanted to run for cover, I was laughing so hard. He was just walking to his car. Although now I’m sure he noticed us. The next day he was there again, she was embarrassed. We learned he was a personal trainer at the gym. She looked at his Facebook page, “accidentally” liked one of his pictures there. The point is there has been progress, it has evolved. Its almost like they are dancing around eachother. Will one of them approach the other?
What I haven’t yet said out loud, and still wouldn’t, is I’ve had my own little crush all along. There is someone who way back when I was still fairly new to going, made me feel seen. I was working out alone, my friend happened to be on vacation at the time. I remember he said to me, “Great job today. Keep it up”. I also remember I was struggling mentally to fight through the workout that day. So his words meant a lot to me. He also noticed when I got a new tattoo, he commented on it. Told me he liked it. Sometimes I get tongue tied and I don’t know what to say around him. Sometimes I wish he would say more to me than he does, but then again I don’t really say much. Yesterday, he was in the weight room with us. He made a loud crash that stopped all conversations in the room. Caused everyone to look over, then quickly resume what they were doing. I didn’t even realize it was him until we were done and walking away and he was right behind us walking too. Then today I went alone. Before I went I thought, “I wonder if he will be there. If he will start a conversation because I’m by myself”. And I walked in and there he was. But I get kind of shy about it and I walk by avoiding eye contact because my heart is pounding and I quickly start my run. The whole time I wonder if this is the day it’ll happen, if this is the day he’ll ask me for my number. But when I get off he’s not there, so I try to muster up the courage to go into that weight room by myself. It’s intimidating back there without my friend by my side. She says the same thing, we don’t do weights unless we’re together. We are somewhat alike in that way. But I really want to be around him, to see if my gut is right. To see if he feels that pull as well. If the crush is mutual on both sides. So I stop in the locker room, to pause and glance at myself. I told myself it was to drop off my sweatshirt, which unfortunately is already needed outside in NY today. I glance in the mirror and I’m taken aback at what I see. My hair is frizzy, my face is red and blotchy, my outfit is worse than I remember when I was leaving this morning. “I can’t go back there”, I thought. This whole thing is a bust. It’s all in my head, look at how disgusting I look. I go in the bathroom to wash my hands and throw water on my face, and one of those perfect gym girls walks by, did I just see a look of disgust on her face?
I rushed out of the bathroom and headed straight for the exit. Praying he wasn’t anywhere near the door as I was leaving, I don’t want to be seen all of a sudden. I say my goodbyes to the front desk clerks who are there to greet me every day, act as if nothing has happened. My confidence hasn’t shaked. As soon as I leave I can breathe again, but disappointment quickly starts to roll in. I’m disappointed in myself, of course I look sweaty in the gym. I just ran three miles for God sakes. And furthermore, do I really want to be with someone who would only want to talk to me for my looks? And if my gut is right, and he is interested, I can tell you one thing it’s not based on that. I’m not trying to put myself down, but I’m wearing men’s t-shirts and no makeup to the gym. There are girls that wear those butt leggings where you can see every indent underneath what they are wearing. And thats just not me. I want to be seen, but I don’t want to be noticed. I got a brand new half sleeve tattoo and cover it up with a t-shirt so I don’t get compliments. Maybe I’m looking for someone that can look past the facade I’m presenting, maybe I’m hoping I’m making this guy curious. Maybe I’m just lacking connection. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe I need to work on my insecurities. I can’t even tell my friend I have these thoughts, it’s like a secret crush just for myself. Will it ever go anywhere? Or am I purposely remaining unnoticed?
The Girl Without A Face 