The Girl Without A Face

As I’m getting back into my routine I’ve been thinking a lot about connection. In my real life I’ve learned to move in silence, observe, not really tell anyone what I’m doing. I haven’t posted anything personal about my life or my son to social media in two years. This is something that I would do consistently, but not in an overbearing way, since he was maybe two. I’d always post once about a trip we took, right at the end, with all the pictures and a heartfelt caption. A recap of what we had done. By the end of my stint on Facebook I had acquired a decent number of “friends” and so these posts, along with the posts of me sharing my son’s art would reach over 100 likes. Wonderful comments. They would give me just enough to make me feel connected. But that all stopped two years ago, and I’ll never go back to sharing.

Now, I will say the last time I posted to Instagram was back in April. I changed my Instagram to only show posts of my jewelry or poetry and my Etsy shop is linked in the bio. I made that change from a personal page to a business page two years ago as well. Would it surprise you if I told you that my “friends” there were not the ones liking my posts? The “friends” that I had worked with for many years, or who had taken my classes at the gym. The “friends” I had known since high school, the ones I used to be “best friends” with. They weren’t the ones who were liking my posts, it was actually strangers who found my work from the hashtags I posted with. I found that interesting.

After my breakdown, in January through maybe June of 2021, it was all about just survival for me. I tried to find support groups, I downloaded apps to try to find someone to connect with. Then I realized the person I needed to connect to was me. By June, I was medication free, walking every day, in a routine of working, so I felt comfortable exploring my mind again. I started contemplating why no one had reached out to me in awhile. There was a week where several people reached out at once. During one of my lowest points. I wondered if they did because they were curious. Something had obviously happened to me, at the time it was still hard to express. On some level I understood that loneliness was crucial to my healing process.

Months passed. No one reached out. Not one family member. There would even be long stretches where my one friend wouldn’t say a word. But I was ok with that at the time. I kind of silently laughed to myself. It was like I was playing a game no one else knew about. I thought how interesting it would be if I just faded away. How long would it take for the word to get out? It made me realize how little people think of me. How much they think of themselves. I don’t say this as a bad thing, I’m guilty of it myself. But the realization allowed me to break free of people pleasing, to dive deep into healing. To understanding what I want, what I need. What love means to me. It took a great deal of patience, but it was the best thing I’ve ever done for my growth.

It wasn’t until late June of 2022, a full year and a half after my solitude, that I decided it was time to get out into the world more. I had felt it coming on for awhile, there were times here and there I was craving connection before then. I just didn’t know where to start. So thats when I started going to the gym, that was when I started seeing my friend almost every day again. It had been a year and a half since I had seen someone consistently other than my son, months since I saw another familiar face in person. It was a wonderful feeling to get back into the world again.

But this is where I’m stuck a bit. See, the world is living on social media. Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok. Even I have gone to Tik Tok to find connection there. As a watcher of course, I don’t want to post my face anywhere. Since I got back from this trip where I didn’t open one app for almost two weeks (except this one obviously), I just don’t want to go back. I don’t want to meet people electronically. I don’t want to find connection through a screen. And maybe you are saying to yourself, well you are posting here! This is social media! And maybe you are right. This is my roundabout way of sending an S.O.S. into the universe for more connection. I don’t know, I can’t put my finger on it, something just feels off. We’ve normalized so much. Talking to eachother face to face, listening, checking in, that’s all been phased out. Now it’s just about how many likes you get, how many people say happy birthday when they are prompted. It all feels so superficial. Surface. Quite frankly, a little heartless. Like we’ve all been turned into robots. Desensitized by our devices. Controlled without realizing it.

So I’ve decided I’m going to challenge myself. I don’t really know how this is going to work, but I’ll update you here of course. I’ll try to put myself out there more. Maybe start conversations in person. Connections. Ill look people in the eyes as I pass them. Smile and see what happens. I wonder if I can meet people this way anymore? Or if I’m doomed to live life alone if I refuse to download tinder. Only time will tell I suppose. I’m ready for connection, finally, after two whole years alone. The only problem is I’m not sure I can find it anywhere but at home.